After the attendance of a different anti-abortion group on Oakland University’s campus last week, a new anti-abortion group came to campus to spread their message in a completely different way. The spokesman for the group wished his identity to be anonymous, and so he only offered his first name of Dick for his interview.

“We were happy to be invited to Oakland after hearing what happened with a fellow anti-abortion group a while ago,” Dick said. “It’s unfortunate to see that groups that think like us still cling to the old way.”

Dick explained that he heard about the issue of all of the previous protestors wearing body cams, which he found to be unnecessary.

“Our group used to strap GoPros to ourselves for every rally, then we realized it was a terrible intrusion on people’s personal space. We figured if we actually wanted to make headway in convincing these students to our point of view, we should make sure they feel comfortable enough to have one-on-one conversations with our spokesmen,” Dick said. “It really felt like, you know, every time we went out with those on we didn’t actually want to have a conversation with anyone, we just wanted to get them on an epic conservative YouTube compilation, which we felt wasn’t what we wanted.”

Dick went on to say that he also talked to his organization about how they wanted to display their information to everyone. The previous year, they had scrapped a wide variety of pamphlets depicting obviously fake disemboweled babies, as he and his board members got the impression literally everyone had caught on to the fact that they were fabricated to get a shallow reaction out of viewers.

“Once we got rid of the cameras, we figured getting people’s disgusted looks after looking at the dolls smothered in ketchup wasn’t worth our time,” Dick said.

Instead, Dick and his organization invested in big posters that just say, “We don’t like women,” a message they unanimously agreed was more in line with what they actually believed.

Dick also talked about how they really wanted to push for male recruitment, because he felt as though the issue of abortion did not have enough male opinions.

“I understand that we don’t have a uterus, but we men definitely have opinions, and we felt as though this issue really needed a balance of male perspectives to ensure that everyone involved was as convinced as possible of our position,” Dick said with a straight face.

The final thing of note Dick’s organization did to improve branding was dropping the concept of being pro-life from their vernacular. He thought it was strange that they and people like them had considered themselves pro-life for so long, when nothing else they supported had anything to do with improving the life of humans who had already been born.

“We thought, you know, we don’t really want to support the foster system, most of us really hate the concept of universal healthcare, and we certainly don’t care what happens to the mother as a result of complicated pregnancies, so we just dropped the pro-life title altogether,” Dick said. “So far, it’s gone very well, we think.”