Snow emergency, snow money

By Kaylee Kean

Students spend hundreds, wait hours to avoid moving cars for snow emergency policy

It started with a Yik Yak.

“Screw this stupid snow emergency policy. I don’t want to go out into the snow. Someone should start a valet service.”

It was the first day in February — a cool Sunday afternoon. At around 4:30 p.m. the order came in; everyone needed to move his or her car. OU’s snow emergency policy was being put into action for the first time.

The policy, announced in December, requires all vehicles to be moved to designated lots by 10 p.m. if an emergency is announced. Designated lots include P29 and P32, located on the far side of campus, and the Anne V. Nicholson and George T. Matthews apartment spaces, which fill quickly. If any vehicles are found in undesignated lots after 10 p.m., they will be impounded and towed, and the owners will have to pay a $100 retrieval fee and potentially an additional $20 for each day in storage.

Students grumbled and moaned but slowly began to move their cars.

An hour after the announcement a man began waiting outside, offering to take students’ cars for them so they didn’t have to walk out into the gruesome weather. The Yak had become a reality.

Students started handing over their keys and a $100 labor fee to the man, who they said answered to the alias Babyface Nelson.

“Totally worth it, in my opinion,” said Pippi Smith, 18, a freshman who lives in Oak View. She said until this year, her mom or boyfriend had driven her wherever she needed to go, so she wasn’t used to walking or driving long distances on her own.

“I don’t even go to school here,” said Pippin Popper, 46, who is dating Smith. He said he shares her car and lives in the dorm with her and her roommate, and was glad Nelson was taking over the car situation for him.

By 7 p.m. the valet service had grown to four men, and a line had formed, with students sleeping, cuddling, and showing off their talents through repeated performances of “Wonderwall” as they waited.

A bake sale for the American Association of Atheistic Women Who Weren’t Killed in the Womb Advocating for the Right to Destroy Diseases at Oakland University (AAAWWWKWARDD at OU) formed, raising nearly $7 through the waiting students, an all-time high.

Sophomore Kayla Varicalli, the last to have her car moved, said she waited in line for hours.

“The valet service also had a carrier service, where they would go grab things for you from your room if you needed,” Varicalli said while she ate a brownie sundae she had purchased from AAAWWWKWARDD. “I eventually got my blankets, a pillow, pajamas, my microwave and TV, and it only cost me $20 per trip.”

“You’re all stupid and lazy,” a student yelled at the line when walking outside to move his own car. The student could not be identified due to his having too many layers of clothing on.

In response to that, Varicalli said, “Hey, I got to catch up on Scandal, and didn’t have to go into the cold at all. Can you really call that stupid?”

This continued until roughly 10:30 p.m., when a fight broke out between two of the valet workers, a tow worker and an OUPD officer. The fight resulted in four totaled cars, a tow truck in Bear Lake and one missing Porsche, according to witnesses.

There has been no sign of Nelson since then.

OUPD Officer Bruce Wayne said they have been receiving more reports of missing cars, wallets and belongings. He and Officer Dick Grayson are currently investigating, and are encouraging anyone with information on Nelson or the stolen vehicles to call OUPD’s non-emergency line, which can be found on Google.

Editor’s note: this story is in the satire section. Not all the facts are true, and any views are not necessarily those of the Oakland Post.

If you fell for it, the author suggests reading a book and critical thinking exercises. If you’re offended, the author suggests you grow a thicker skin. If you would like to contribute your own satire story, be featured in one or nominate a friend to be featured in one, email [email protected]