The types of boys you encounter in a lifetime

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The types of boys you encounter in a lifetime

Graphic by Jimmy Williams

Graphic by Jimmy Williams

Graphic by Jimmy Williams

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

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Lady Gaga once said, “Boys, boys, boys.”

As a straight, young woman in her prime dating days, I have developed a love/hate relationship with the male species. They’re so cute, but so stupid sometimes. You don’t know if you want to kiss them or slap some sense into them.

I kid you not when I say every boy I have romantically encountered has left me saying, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

It’s probably not “politically correct” to put people in categories, but I can’t help but notice a trend in the boys I come across — whether that be in the wild or through dating profiles.

I lay before you the most common types of boys you most likely will encounter in your life.

The stoner god

Ah, weed. We all know what it is. But, weed is something special to this type of guy. You will always be No. 2 in his heart — right after his Mary Jane.

Don’t get me wrong, these boys are usually super nice and chill (I wonder why), but you will get at least 24 snaps an hour of just him hitting a bong. You thought getting dick pics was bad? Try clicking through a whole ass movie of Nick showing off his latest dispo purchase and ripping a bong while you’re sitting next to your mom.

But nonetheless, you’ll always have a plug in him.

The hype beast

This group of boys is absolutely iconic and will never go out of style. You can spot them in public a mile away. Why’s that?

He has the word “Supreme” taking up his entire shirt, hat, backpack, literally everywhere on his body. This type of boy also won’t shut up about his “impressive” shoe collection. Thank you, Adam, but if I wanted to see some ugly ass shoes, I would’ve just went to the Croc store.

You might also find that you’ll be the one paying for the date. That’s because he spent thousands on a new pair of Air Yeezys, but don’t worry, he’ll pick up the tab next time!

The too cool for anything

This is a personal favorite of mine. When you’re with this boy, you better not even think of anything mainstream. These boys thrive on being “edgy” and MUST make their own music.

While they pride themselves on being lyrical geniuses, they can’t be fucked to go to class or actually wake up before noon. “College just isn’t for me.” Well, John, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you got four years deep in a major you don’t even like.

With these types of boys, you usually stay in long-term relationships until it eventually falls to shit.

The gamer

Is home all the time? Check. Never leaves his room? Check. Has time to text you back? Absolutely not.

These types of boys are unlike anything I have ever seen before. They will literally stare at a computer screen for 14 hours straight and then go into a deep hibernation for the next two days while generously spacing out texts every six to seven hours.

Even when they’re not playing an ever evolving collection of games, they’ll talk to you like you actually have a clue what goes on in the games. But don’t worry, Josh will be there if you need someone to fight for you since he has so much experience yelling at 12-year-olds over his headset.

The fuckboy

Ever since high school, I honestly don’t think I can remember how many fuckboys I’ve met. They run rampant no matter where you live, and it seems like there are more every year.

I’m confident every female on this planet has met at least one fuckboy in their life. This is the type of boy that will call you “pretty” and “beautiful” one minute and then ask for nudes the next. Better yet, he might just send an unsolicited dick pic with no warning.

Thank you, Chad, but I’m sure your mother would just be tickled pink to know her son is a disappointment to girls everywhere.

Now, I’m not saying every boy falls into one of these categories. Believe me, I know good guys still exist. And if you just so happen to be one of those good guys and don’t belong to one of these groups, please hit me up. I’m tired of Tinder boys.