Ahh, spring break (or “mid-winter break” or whatever it’s called now, same difference). Every college student’s favorite week. We get a nice break from the monotonous craziness that is school. A chance to do whatever we want for a week: play golf, go running, throw a Frisbee, light firecrackers in the middle of the street—oh wait, no we live in the frozen Tundra that is Michigan, so we can’t do shit.

If you are lucky enough to have the resources to fly far away from this hell to somewhere warm, well then screw you. If you are friendless and broke, chances are you are forced to spend your week trying to avoid having to go outside for any reason whatsoever. Venturing outside becomes more painful than childbirth.

I’m not one to normally complain about the weather. I figure, if you live in Michigan, you should be used to bipolar storms, immeasurable amounts of snow and brittle cold. But this year, I’m finally about to break down. My patience is gone. When it’s colder in metro Detroit than it is in Alaska, we’re going to have a bad time.

With this recent string of below-zero temperatures, I have found myself praying for death a lot more than usual. A couple days ago, on one of our particularly frigid days, I came home from work one night. I had picked up a pizza and some beer and had a bag with my laptop and junk in it to bring in my house. Since I am a lazy human being, I had to fumble with my shit for a few minutes in order to make it possible to take all of my goodies inside in one trip. Anyways, by the time I got into the house, my face hurt so bad it felt like I had just gone a few rounds with Chris Brown.

A human face should never have to endure this kind of egregious torture when we are supposed to be on spring break. Nothing about this weather shouts “spring.” It doesn’t even shout “winter” either. It’s like a living nightmare.

I have always been a bigger fan of spring because I like to do stuff outside, but I’ve never had any problems with winter. But the past two years have altered my opinion tremendously. I’ve never really entertained the thought of leaving the state, but at this point I couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

So I hope you guys are enjoying this break. I’m assuming there is plenty of Netflix watching going on for most of you. If you actually are one of the lucky ones who got out of here and wandered to some warm and sunny land, be a bro and send me pics of all the scantily-clad ladies who are actually enjoying their break.