SATIRE: The VSCO Girl Diet

Having+a+Hydroflask+is+guaranteed+to+help+you+achieve+that+legendary+beach+bod.

Graphic by Ashley Averill

Having a Hydroflask is guaranteed to help you achieve that legendary beach bod.

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

Hello, my friends. One thing has come to my attention throughout my two years of college: I’m getting fatter.

So, with this being my new reality, I need to start dieting. I have recently discovered a new diet to embark on, and I figured I should share it with you all. It is simply called “the VSCO Girl Diet.”

For those who are unaware of what a VSCO girl is, it’s a girl who takes edgy photos of themselves and random things. This girl then uploads these 800 heavily edited photos to VSCO, a photo sharing app, to avoid clogging her Instagram feed and ruining her “theme.”

I don’t know about you, but my Instagram “theme” is just me.

The first tenet of the white girl diet is meal replacement. I know what you’re thinking — “Michael, meal replacement is very common for people, especially for breakfast!” You’re correct, but the VSCO Girl Diet is entirely based off of one drink for meal replacement that makes it unique: iced coffee.

Many meal replacement drinks are protein-based and have some semblance of nutrition. Not this one. Iced coffee is great, but has lots of calories, sugar and caffeine, which is all we need for this diet.

Drink your iced coffee for breakfast and lunch and do not shut up about it. Post a picture on any social media with a very annoying filter, and brag to all of your friends about how “you just drank iced coffee for breakfast and lunch” and you’re soooooo trendy and crazy at the same time.

Important aspect number two is to be vegan, but not really. You’ll be a vegan when you feel like it. Understood? Good. Never eat red meat, but sometimes fish is OK. No pork, but the occasional mozzarella stick won’t hurt anyone. Being a fake vegan is a truly important step. You want to seem woke, but doing the work to avoid all animal products is too much work.

The last step to achieve personal nirvana and aligned chakras is the most difficult of them all. You must eat very small meals whenever you do eat, no matter how hungry you are.

I don’t care if you’re starving. Life is a beach and you need a beach body. As Jo Bennett from “The Office” said, “You’re too fat, no one’s gonna like you if you’re too fat.” These are your words to live by. Every body is a beach body? NO! NOT FOR A VSCO CELEBRITY LIKE YOU! Your six followers and your uptight mother expect better of you. Eat half or less of everything you order, and then just throw the rest away. It is the most surefire way to stay skinny so you can fit into extra tight mom jeans.

Alright guys, well now that I shared my diet with you all, I hope to be seeing all of you skinny legends on campus. If you see me dying on a StairMaster, just know that my diet is working. I will see you all on Twitter ferociously live-tweeting “The Bachelor” as if anyone cared.