SATIRE: Birds are not real

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

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The birds work for the bourgeoisie. 

There. I said it. If there are any fellow TikTokers out there, you know what I’m talking about.

This isn’t a game though. Birds are not real. Maybe Reagan did kill them off in 1986 because something isn’t right about those creatures.

Before you accuse me of being a flat-earther, I’m not totally nuts. The earth is very much round with a variety of animals to make it beautiful and spectacular. Birds are just not one of them.

Birds are straight up spies. The proof is in the way they fly away the second you take a step near them. Nobody moves that fast unless they have something to hide. If you get too close, you can probably see the cameras in their eyes.

So, the government can’t be everywhere at all times. Isn’t it just so convenient that no matter where you live, there is some type of bird hanging around? They’re watching you. You’ve been warned.

You might say, “But the government tracks us through our electronics.” Not everyone owns a smartphone or computer. Even if you’re homeless, birds can get to you. They’re on the lookout 24/7.

Birds are the perfect size to just sit on a branch or ledge comfortably to overhear a conversation in the park or peer into a window. Talking with your friend about the Area 51 raid? Bertie the Bird just marked you as high-risk.

It’s also mind boggling how there are so many types. There are roughly 10,000 species of birds. That’s just a little too suspicious for my liking. It’s one of their tactics to throw us off — they distract us with pretty feathers and chirping.

That annoying ass chirping in the morning is just them talking to each other about their findings from the night before. They think they’re slick, having meetings early in the morning before anyone is up.

Ever heard a group of birds going at it late at night? That’s a special meeting the HBIC (head bird in charge) called when they found out something extra juicy.

Another one of their tactics is shitting everywhere. Literally anywhere they damn well please. They’ll shit on your head if they feel like it. That’s them asserting their dominance, showing us they’re in charge.

The most notorious shitters and ballsiest of the birds are geese. You may not see a lot of smaller birds on college campuses because of how many people are around, but geese are unlike any other form of bird. They’re not afraid. They need the intel from the younger generations. But you can’t let them win. You must chase them and show them who’s really in charge.

I know a few people have caught onto this theory. Where do you think the act of killing turkeys for Thanksgiving came from? It may not get rid of them all, but it definitely sends a message. There’s also the saying “kill two birds with one stone.” WE HAVE TO TAKE THEM OUT BEFORE THEY GET TOO POWERFUL.

All I’m saying is birds are sketchy as hell. Encounter at your own risk.