Satire: The roadblocks to my problems


Graphic by Ashley Averill

Nothing says Michigan roads like the sight of orange traffic barrels gleaming in the sunlight.

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

Ah, Michigan. The state with two seasons: winter and construction. I know it’s been said time and time again, but it seems every construction season gets even messier and more chaotic than the year before.

While I love the Mitten State for its beautiful lakes and horrible sports teams, the person in charge of these rerouted traffic patterns seems to not have any clue how Michigan roads work.

Every main artery of highways seems to have at least one of Michigan’s state flower, the lovely orange and white traffic barrels, protruding into at least one perfectly good lane. Yes, I-94, I-696, I-75 and M-59 — all of the fastest routes to get literally anywhere — have been taken hostage by MDOT.

My usual painless 25-minute drive to Oakland has now turned into a 50-minute headache thanks to the ever-evolving traffic patterns. This doesn’t even count the hour-and-a-half it takes to get home.

I know it can’t just be me that sees all of these construction cones lining the highways and absolutely no workers in sight. Why, why, why do they have to block whole ass lanes when nothing is even being worked on? If anyone knows the people in charge of these whack planning schedules, give them my number. I just wanna talk.

Don’t even get me started on the I-75 construction. They ripped miles of highway from the ground, shutting down complete portions of the northbound side. It literally looks like a scene from an apocalypse with the city in ruins.

Now, since traffic has been rerouted to the other side with two lanes squashed between cement blocks, there is no room to even move an inch out of place. There isn’t even a shoulder to pull off to for car trouble or accidents. If you find yourself in one of those predicaments, all I have to say is good luck.

The entire stretch of I-696 was completely redone all of last year. Literally all year. You couldn’t even drive on one side. So, why are they still shutting down lanes? I need answers because it honestly just seems like they make up their own rules and schedules.

Nothing pisses me off more than seeing those orange and white barrels. It actually makes my blood boil the more I see them on different roads. If I had a crappy car, I would totally knock a few out. I’m not gonna call out names, but I do have the hook up on two of the skinny traffic cones. Hit me up if you’re interested.

I honestly think some construction workers try their hardest to irritate drivers. I’ve noticed lately that cones have gradually gotten a lot closer to lines than in the past. Some days I have the urge to stop my car in the middle of traffic to put the cones back farther, so when Becky in the lane next to me decides to swerve at me, I won’t be kissing those barrels.

Obviously construction won’t be disappearing anytime soon, but it definitely feels good to bitch about it, even if it is the same thing every year. Here’s to another construction season almost in the books.