Satire: What you’ll do after drinking a “Four Loko Seltzer”

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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White Claw is dead. The king is here. Four Loko has ruined White Claw’s existence and will reportedly be ushering in a new Four Loko Seltzer with 14% alcohol by volume.

There ain’t no laws when you’re drinking FOUR LOKO BABYYYYY!!! This will change the game. This will lead to more drunken rants and texts to ex-lovers than ever before. I, for one, cannot wait. This is exactly what the world needs. With all this 5% by volume garbage, we needed a seltzer with more kick, more “ruin your life” to it. Now, we have it.

With that being said, Four Loko Seltzer is upon us, and here are 3 things you’ll do after a few seltzers from the king of puke, Four Loko.

1. FaceTime your boss

Texting an ex is child’s play. When you drink a couple of these bad boys, you’ll be slurring words like no other while FaceTiming your boss from the portapotty at a concert saying you’re “sick” and “can’t make it in tomorrow.” One look at the pathetic state you’re in, and your boss will completely understand why you can’t come in. They won’t even be mad; they’ll just pity you for putting your internal organs through the hellfire of Four Loko.

In a way, this is better than texting your ex because they will just be annoyed and potentially angered by your actions. Pity goes a long way in life, and gaining pity with someone in charge of your paychecks is something that I think Four Loko Seltzer can provide.

2. Mysteriously end up in a McDonald’s drive-through

“How did I get here?” You say to the drive through speaker at McDonald’s as you begrudgingly order three McChickens, two Big Macs and a large fry. You know how you got there, you pathetic weasel. You drank six Four Loko limes, and you stumbled your way into the closest place that will serve your pathetic ass at an ungodly hour. Not only are you at a McDonald’s injecting 3000 calories into your bloodstream, you are STANDING in the drive through line.

That isn’t even how a drive-through works, dude. Go home. Nevertheless you persist, and it’s because your rational thinking sector of your brain has powered off for the night. All thanks to a bubbly surprise that you picked up from the party store. You’ll never learn, but damn, those Big Macs are hitting different.

3. Cause property damage

Similar to any Kyle or Andy Bernard from The Office, you might encounter some extreme rage at one point or another during this intoxication period. What you will inevitably do is the most Kyle thing of all, break shit. Whether it be the drywall or the flooring or the furniture you recently assembled from that furniture place that feeds people horse meat, something will inevitably end up broken. You will wake up with a headache, a feeling of immense despair and a home that resembles what a typical home would look like if a tornado ran through it. To be frank, a tornado did run through it. You were that tornado. Get it together.

Thanks for reading this elongated warning label for a Four Loko product. If you didn’t know the dangers, now you do. If you enjoy your dignity. property and wallet, I’d recommend staying away from this product. But then again, all of those things are temporary. Glory is eternal. Drink up, mis amigos.