Satire: Living with a shopping addiction


Graphic by Ashley Averill

A good sale might break the bank and make you question your self control, but it’s all worth it.

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

People will always try to say you have a “problem” or you “don’t need it.” To that I say, “add to cart.” 

I never used to like shopping. There was once a time, long ago, when I actually despised going to stores. That was obviously when I didn’t have a credit card. 

The walking seemed like a chore and lugging those bags around all the cramped aisles was the last thing I wanted to do for a fun day with my friends. 

Now, I look back and laugh at my naive, teenage self. Every store is a new adventure with the best deals waiting to be unleashed. Sales are my kryptonite. I will never be able to pass up buy three, get two free at Bath & Body Works. It’s sad but true. Just look at my night stand. 

Taking me to a mall is dangerous, especially when Ulta, Old Navy and American Eagle are right next to each other and just so happen to have their best sales at the same time. But online shopping is when I’m in my element. 

Shopping online completely takes the hassle out of your trips to the mall and leaves you to comfortably browse the best goodies from wherever your heart desires. You can also have multiple tabs pulled up on your computer at the same time. I bet you can’t go into two stores at once.

Some people may like the instant gratification of finding the perfect pair of pants and immediately being able to take it home. But have you ever ordered five different packages that were all supposed to come in the same week? It feels like a second Christmas. 

Even now, shops like Amazon have guaranteed one- and two-day shipping, so you don’t even wait that long anyway. And if you can’t wait for ONE-day shipping, well, honey, you need to get some patience.

People are also quick to point out that shipping is an additional cost. What they fail to realize is that 99.99999% of websites have free shipping when you hit a certain total. So, am I going to pay $35 for my order plus $15 for shipping, or add $15 in products that I’ll actually use and get FREE shipping? You do the math. 

I would just like to point out that Amazon Prime was the best thing to ever happen to me (no, this article isn’t sponsored). That website has EVERYTHING you can possibly dream of. Phone case? The best of the best. Textbooks? Cheaper than the bookstore. Inflatable hot tub? Just let them know the size you want. 

Prime Day definitely gave my credit card a good workout, but there aren’t too many days where you can get an Apple Watch for over $100 off, an Amazon Fire Stick for $15 and Crest white strips for more than 50% off.

So, I don’t want to hear that I have a “problem.” Retail therapy actually works, and it can be a hell of a lot cheaper than seeing a real therapist.