Satire: Millennials are outdating doorbell technology through texting

Rachel Basela, Staff Intern

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Ding-dong ditch

Millennials are outdating yet another commonplace device: the modern doorbell. With the new normality of the “I’m here” text, many young people are choosing to disregard walking up to the porch and ringing.

We’ve seen this before. We millennials have been blamed for killing restaurant chains, starter homes and beer, according to Business Insider, so why does a rinky-dink doorbell matter so much to preceding generations? Are they grasping onto the last shreds of the lives they knew before 1981, or are they really that passionate about the nuisance that rings through the house, presenting itself like an in-law on Christmas Eve?

And why do we choose to avoid the doorbell? Maybe it’s because our pocket screens are making us more and more socially inept. Maybe it’s because we lack the respect our elders had before us. Or, maybe, we like the convenience of not having to take the extra steps. Whatever the cause, doorbells are collecting dust.

How can I help?

Step 1: Throw away your phone.

Whether you have an iPhone or an Android, you can still send a text. The best thing you can do to stop impulsively texting “I’m here” is to throw the whole thing away. Why bother holding onto your technology when it’s killing the absolutely necessary invention of the doorbell?

Step 2: Get your steps in.

Turn off your car, get out of your seat, and walk up the path to the porch. (Yes, I know. I’m telling you to participate in physical activity. Sorry.) Once you get there, push the button. It might alert the whole house and not just the person you’re picking up, but we can’t let these dang smartphones ruin such an important industry!

Step 3: Use your social skills.

Now here’s the scary part — you might be forced to have an unnecessary face-to-face interaction. Your girlfriend’s dad could answer the door, or your friend’s mom could invite you in for dinner. What now? Use everything you know from watching Netflix and playing video games. It’s best to study how others react in your virtual life so you can properly interact with those in your real life. Everything should be fine, just model the behavior of a YouTuber.

Only use the doorbell

Whatever you do, do not knock. The only thing worse than sending a text is taking all of these steps without using the doorbell. If the house doesn’t have a doorbell, just leave. Your friend will take the hint to purchase and install the device so the next time you step on their porch, you will be able to alert them of your presence properly.