Satire: Displaced worms sue OU for vandalism, unconstitutional actions

Back to Article
Back to Article

Satire: Displaced worms sue OU for vandalism, unconstitutional actions

illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

Dean Vaglia, Staff Reporter

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Last October saw the grand opening of the new Oakland Center (OC), a months-long project that added new restaurants, seating areas, ballrooms, offices and The Habitat event space.

When The Post covered the opening of the $47 million expansion and renovation project, there was celebration and hope for the future of student life at Oakland University. But the results of a recent investigation show that initial high spirits were in vain.

Where the new ballrooms and Habitat are, thousands of earthworms were forcibly removed from their homes.

“It’s terrible,” earthworm Jimothy, 5, said. “My life, my family, my whole livelihood — it’s all gone.”

Jimothy lived in a patch of dirt located between the OC and O’Dowd hall for three years. The worm claims he was not approached by university representatives or offered compensation for their property prior to demolition. Jimothy relocated to a rocky planter in parking lot P1.

This sentiment is common among the worm diaspora, who shared stories of “big scooping things” blotting out the sun and “stealing people up.”

“Yeah, it was totally crazy,” Pete St. Worm, 4, said. “Like these big dump things just went ‘Skrrrrrrrrr’ and then it was like ‘BANG!’ — everything is gone!”

With so many worms displaced without compensation, several worms have begun building a case against the State of Michigan directed toward the federal court.

“I mean, like, you cannot just take someone’s home and not leave them with nothing, right?” said Willy Wormenstein, founder of Worms Against Eminent Domain (WAED). “Like it is just basically un-American, and worms are, like, as American as they come. Wait — what’s that about eagles?”

Other worms have decided to take a more proactive approach to securing compensation. The Oakland County Earthworm Anarchists (OCEA) have begun holding flash demonstrations to “get people’s heads out of the dirt and focused on our dirt.”

One OCEA member, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, said, “My family has been here since forever. My granddad survived the O’Dowd razings, my dad survived the P1 massacres, and I am not about to die for some concrete amphitheater! ‘Habitat,’ more like ‘habi-theft!’”

Despite the spirited camps forming, many of the displaced residents simply want to move on with their lives.

“I know I cannot get my home back,” Jimothy said, “but hopefully we can get a chance to rebuild.”

While Jimothy has applied for state and federal aid, he has faced significant push back from officials due to being a worm.

“It’s hard out there,” Jimothy said. “They treat you as if worms do not have rights. It makes me sick.”

The same resistance Jimothy has faced might be the norm for the worm activists. A spokeswoman for the Sixth Circuit Court said no judges would honor a case brought forth by worms.

“Please stop contacting me,” she said. “If you do not stop, I will call the cops on you, OK? Just leave me alone.”

OC Director Chris Reed did not wish to comment on the story.