Satire: Inside the mind of anti-vaxxers


photo illustration by Erin O'Neill

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

There is a new trend, akin to the cinnamon challenge or the tide pod challenge, except this one is even dumber. Suburban moms who read a health blog one time have banded together to fight the evil of vaccinations, because a french yogi told them it is dangerous and unhealthy. Despite numerous scientific reports that exist in the world telling everyone and their mother (pun intended) that vaccinations are safe, the Beckys and Cathys of the world have come together as one, fighting off autism and big corporate agendas.

These brave mothers have decided that rather than give their kids autism – which is incredibly impossible to do – they will further shame those with special needs by trying to avoid that future. For them, risking their kids’ lives is an easy trade-off, but history is not on their side.

Autism is not fatal, it does not kill anyone, but polio does. When you have a goldfish brain, you might think that vaccines could cause autism, but that just isn’t the case. What a vaccine can cause however is this amazing thing called an immune system. By injecting a small dosage of the disease into your bloodstream, your body is smart enough to learn how to defend against it for the rest of time. This is how we eliminated polio.

Eliminating polio was a terrible thing in the eyes of these parents, and they seek to bring it back by not vaccinating their children. Who needs a vaccine when you can just force feed those little rascals some apple cider vinegar and call it a day? That’s more nAtUrAl and isn’t helping out bIg PhArMacEuTiCaL cOmPaNiEs.

Being a journalist, I was able to obtain an interview with an anti-vaxxer couple. Bob and Becky Basic were thrilled to speak out on the evil of vaccinations.

“I don’t want to live in a world where my child is protected from disease,” Bob said. “I want them to have to fight for it, so they understand the value of life more than these other privileged millennial kids. Sure the medical bills are insane, but the measles were barely defeated and Timmy is only a little worse for the wear.”

Becky Basic was emphatic about her stance on vaccines, saying they were a greater threat to humanity than nuclear warfare or obesity.

“I’d rather my kid eat a tide pod and chase it with cinnamon than vaccinate them,” Becky said. “I heard on Facebook that those evil vaccinations cause Satan to enter a child’s body. I saw this from my friend Carol, who also shared a lovely post about loving your family that if you don’t re-post you get bad luck for 30 years.”

Many anti-vaxxers rely heavily on Facebook for their news, which is proven by Harvard professors to be one of the most credible news sites in the world.

Now that you know the mindset of an anti-vaxxer, go out and please punch one in the face for me.