Satire: Oakland’s Valentine’s Day Hotspots

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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Looking for love? Well you came to the right place. The Oakland Post is exactly where all the love tips are these days, congrats on being part of the 1 percent.

People always ask me why I have such a successful relationship, and I don’t blame them. It’s because I know how love works, and I’m here to help you lonely souls out on this Valentine’s Day. I know a few key hot spots on Oakland’s campus where there are single people just dying to meet you. I know I sound like an internet ad that will give you a virus, but I’m for real.

Kresge’s third floor

The quiet floor, the perfect place for you men or women out there looking for a man. On the third floor you can’t be too loud, so it gives you a chance to meet the right man without him being able to speak. It’s basically like Tinder, but the creepy guys can’t use the most disgusting pickup lines known to man. Heaven! The best part about the Kresge third floor is that you know your date cares about their academics too, because no one who is just half-assing it at the library goes to the quiet floor. That’s for the real bookworms and nerds. Go snag yourself a smart one, and thank me later when he can do your taxes without talking for days about his workout regimen.

The weight room

This is a stark contrast to my other location, because you’re going to find someone completely different. Bookworms aren’t for everyone. If you want a guy or gal who loves their body as well as has a small addiction to pre-workout, go to the rec center weight room and throw some weights around, literally. The best way to find love is to grunt as loud as humanly possible while lifting something that could send you and your surrounding gym enthusiasts to the hospital. You have to prove you are hardcore, and nothing attracts that one special mate like exuding your natural pheromones while grunting like Serena Williams.

Varner Hall

Varner is the building for the artistically inclined, so there will be a good chance someone can paint you a nice portrait for Valentine’s Day, and then take you to a hole-in-the wall coffee place to talk about their screenplay. Also, Varner is the polar opposite of the library in terms of volume. With the hundreds of instruments blaring and singers belting out some killer notes, Varner is the one place on campus no one cares if you shout. In fact, it is encouraged! So make your way to Varner and shout from the heavens “I AM LONELY!” maybe a nice dance major will be there to teach you how to dance alone, like you will be for the rest of your life. I’m kidding of course, no one can dance competently for the rest of their life. Father time is undefeated my friends.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day, you saps.