Satire: Who SPB SHOULD have gotten for the spring concert


Photo illustration by Erin O'Neill

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

KYLE and Blackbear? That’s dope as hell. But me being the negative Nelly I am, I gotta think it could have been better. Because I’m the all-knowing satire writer at The Oakland Post, I’m going to provide you all with four artists who would have been better for the spring concert, even though KYLE and Blackbear are great.

1. Kevin Jonas

What’s better than Nick Jonas? Well, everyone. But ESPECIALLY his brother, Kevin. Kevin is MY MAN and has always been the best Jonas Brother. Joe is close, but no one tops Kevin. Nick is whack but I guess he makes good music. I just want a Jonas Brother to perform so that I can mention their height. Also, I think with Kevin we could get better special effects because he doesn’t require high heels to make him feel more powerful. All I’m saying is I’d be burning up for Kevin Jonas. He’d blow his brother’s performance out of the water. I need Kevin.

2. Mason Ramsey

You may know him as the yodeling kid from Walmart, but we cultured folks know him as the boy responsible for one of the greatest love songs of our generation, Famous. “If I’m gonna be famous for something, I’m gonna be famous for loving you.” Beautiful poetry from my man Mason. I know he might be expensive due to all of his YouTube and Coachella fame, but he is worth every single penny. It would be similar to the vigil for Lil’ Sebastian in Parks and Recreation, everyone would be on their feet, lighters in hand, crying profusely with eyes wide in pure shock of how beautiful this performance.

3. Blue Ivy

I mean, come ON guys. She’s the daughter of Beyoncé and Jay Z, she has the singing, dancing and rapping talents on lock down. With her performing, we also get to have Beyoncé and Jay Z in the crowd because she needs parental supervision. She’s seven years old, but Mason Ramsey is 12 years old, so maybe we could get a duet going on here. They both could co-headline to satisfy the country music crowd, and the hip-hop and pop loving crowds. It’s genius. Also, if the performance goes well, Blue Ivy might come to Oakland in 11 years. It’s about the long game people. Checkers, not chess.

4. Smash Mouth

Imagine the Meadow Brook Amphitheater rocking with All Star. Holy crap. I’d practically cry. Smash Mouth is a revolutionary band that has changed the future with their ballad being included in “Shrek.” They have forever changed my life and many others’ lives with their music, and Student Program Board would be smart to bring in such a powerful meme.