The Oakland Post

Satire: Three unknown facts about Ora Hirsch Pescovitz

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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Listen, we all know who runs the show here at Oakland.

It’s that curly-haired woman we all know and love, Ora Hirsch Pescovitz. Ora is perhaps one of the best people to ever walk the campus of Oakland, and every day we are grateful for her being our president. But there are some things you may not know about Ora. Being the resident information sleuth here at OU, I’ve got three fun facts about Ora you wish you knew first.

 

1. Ora gave up a career as a professional basketball player

You see her at those basketball games cheering on the Golden Grizzlies, singing the fight song. But did you know at one point Ora had a chance to be the first woman to ever play in the National Basketball Association? Yes, you may not know it, but when she’s sitting courtside at the O’Rena, she’s diagnosing the defense and wondering why Kampe hasn’t switched to a 2-3 zone when the offense can’t buy a bucket from downtown.

Not to mention she has a 42-inch vertical leap and a shooting motion like Stephen Curry.

 

2. Ora’s house is actually the eighth wonder of the world

You may think there are only seven wonders of the world, but in fact there are eight. National Geographic has been keeping this secret, but they plan to name the mansion that Ora lives in on campus as the eighth wonder of the world. The immaculate art collection combined with the beautiful architecture has wooed the entire world, and anyone who has stepped into her humble abode.

It is a great location for business presentations, meetings, parties or black tie events. I tend to be really sarcastic, but this is legit. Her house is beautiful. If I lived in that house maybe I’d be less of a prick.

 

3. Ora is the envy of all other universities

I hear all this hoopla about other college’s presidents and how great they are because they referenced a meme one time, but no one can come close to what Ora does on a regular basis. No other university has a president like her, and no other will. Ora isn’t a talk-the-talker, she is a walk-the-walker. When tragedies around the world happen, hardly any other universities’ presidents will send out a well-written email discussing the event and trying to relate it to us and what we need. She is always on the job, thinking of her children. Her 19,000 children at Oakland University. That’s why everyone is secretly jealous of us. 

 

Every time some fool from another inferior university tries to talk up their president, I just laugh. They’re full of it. They have no knowledge of the one, the only, the BEST president that money could buy, Ora Hirsch Pescovitz. I expect zero talkback from the usual Facebookers, Ora is great. Don’t talk to me.

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