The Oakland Post

The Terror of Oakland University

Patrick Sullivan, Web Editor

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There is a terror that has plagued Oakland’s campus for decades. With its most recent appearance, I, your trustworthy college newspaper reporter, have decided to finally come forward and tell you my story.

For more years than I’d like to admit, I’ve studied this phenomenon that has popped in and out of existence around this campus. It flashes through the years, appearing and sowing mayhem across the area before returning to where it came.

I do not want to admit it, but the reason for me attending this university was to get closer to this abomination and to learn about it at its source.

In my research, I’ve found that the students that interact with this black and yellow terror all grow angrier and more confused as time goes on. With each interaction, the transformation increases, and the afflicted slowly morph into ferocious beasts; shadows of what they once were.

I do not know what the terror calls itself, but over the years the locals have adopted a name that I think is rather fitting. They call it the Speed Bump.

Now I have been studying this horrible, horrible creature for such a long time, and from what I’ve learned, I’ve realized my purpose in life: to destroy the beast and send it back to whatever hell it climbed out of.

This revelation came to me one year ago—I have gone through months of sleepless nights stalking through the dark of campus, hunting for the beast to no avail.

This brings us to several weeks ago, when the creature finally reared its ugly head. The Speed Bump had appeared, and I knew that it was time to fulfill my destiny and smite the creature before it could harm anyone else.

Actually performing this act would be a different story, as in all of my studies I have not yet found a way to kill the beast. Silver bullets and wooden stakes have worked on mythical monsters in the past, but for this there was no point of reference.

I was lost, about to jump into the maw of a creature unbound by time and space, armed only with a slight knowledge against an unknown.

After searching and coming up with no solution on how to kill the Speed Bump, I decided to just take the fight to the creature and let fate decide what the end result would be.

I journeyed to where the creature now laid, which happened to be a street corner near the George Matthews apartments, only to lay my eyes upon a horrendous sight.

There was not only one, but two Speed Bumps stretched out upon the ground before me, and I knew there was no chance for me in a fight. With luck on my side I may have felled the creature by itself, but outnumbered I knew I stood no chance.

I ran away that day, cursing myself for my cowardice, for I knew that with two creatures loose on the campus, no one was safe. I watched in horror as more appeared on campus, and I know until they are all banished back to where they came from, no one will be.

So because I could not fight, I can only warn other of the horrors of these Speed Bumps. The only course of action now appears to be to wait for them to fade away as they have done in the past. Hopefully they disappear before causing havoc on campus, but I fear that it is too late.

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.