Satire: What to expect when you’re existential

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

There are books for everything these days. One of the most famous is about pregnancy, titled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” After hours of scouring the internet, I have found nothing about what to expect when you’re existential. So here I am world, your Ned’s Declassified guide to dealing with an existential crisis.

The first thing you’ll deal with is the realization that nothing seems as bright anymore. Everything is dark, gloomy and just bland. Rainbow, what the hell is that? All I can think about is how nothing matters and eventually everyone who has ever known me will fade into nothing.

Second, you will struggle with the fact that no one sees the world as darkly as you do. You will see people who are laughing, moseying on through life as if the world is made of flowers. Those people will drive you crazy, walking all slowly through malls and crowded places. WALK FASTER DAMNIT TIME IS FLEETING AND I NEED TO GET HOME!!!

What people who aren’t dealing with an existential crisis fail to understand is the fact that life is forever changed for the person undergoing the crisis. While they see a flower, we see a receptacle that absorbs light and water in an effort to reproduce and spread pollen. As someone formerly in your shoes, let me tell you no one else will be in your corner.

Parents are cool and all, I’m a big fan of them, but there’s something about Generation X that just can’t relate to feeling the immense weight of the entire world depending on them being the best generation they can be. They have not a care in the world, because it isn’t their job to clean the entire world of pollution or stop homelessness from spreading. No, they just sit back in their cushy cubicle job and come home at 5 p.m., with no regard for anyone or anything but their own wellbeing.

What will hit you most about this crisis is the fact that you’re alone. Everyone will experience an existential crisis at some point in their life, but none will be at the exact same time. One month, you might be stressing about the fact your actions have little impact on the world and the next your best friend might be going through the same stuff. However, no one’s timelines are perfectly in sync.

Embrace your crisis and accept the fact that sometimes the world seems like a bleak place. Eventually you will embrace your newfound views, and this will turn into humor. This humor is what we call sarcasm. Sarcasm is a tool that us losers have mastered, and once you master it, your life will become so much less of a chore. It will border on enjoyment! It won’t be enjoyable, but it’ll be close.

Hope this helped all you out there dealing with the immense pressure of living on a dying earth and being part of the generation tasked with changing it!

XOXO, Michael Pearce