The sizzling summer saga of Parker Timothy Simmons

By Parker Simmons

Hello Oakland Post reader, my name is Parker Timothy Simmons, your average elementary education student by day, and by night, the self-proclaimed man of JUSTICE! Also your favorite paper-man-gone-distribution-director.

Since it’s summer and the amount of people viewing this is probably going to be dramatically lower I have worked up the courage to put one of my stories into the paper I hold so dear. My story is one of courage, heroism, romance and many more words that wouldn’t make sense to mortal men (or my editor).

Our epic tale begins on April 23rd. It was a day to be remembered, for it was the final time paper and pencil would struggle in epic combat. It was a battle unlike any other: multiple choices were made, people began to question what was true and what was false, and many tacticians tried to interpret graphs that were written in some sort of alien language. Some refer to it as micro-economics.

After about 100 bullets had flown into his chest cavity, the mighty Lord Scantron fell. On that day, myself and 30 other imprisoned students were finally welcomed to bask in the glow of the rising sun. Though the exact date is often argued upon, many historians say that this day was the beginning of the era known as Summer Vacation 2015.

With newfound freedom, however, a common problem emerged for many; the amount of free time available and awareness of student debt increased drastically.

Some students had anticipated that life may exist outside of school and had already made plans to move in with close friends or family. Others made arrangements to work for a steady stream of income after being liberated. Many chose to believe that if they were to ever exist outside of the school’s walls, finding a summer job would be an easy endeavor. Some got lucky, others did not.

Then there’s me. I chose not to live at home, I didn’t have a full time job lined up and I did something that the ten-year-old version of myself would never believe would happen: I moved in with my beautiful girlfriend and her two female friends.

So there I was with an ample amount of time, no form of reliable income in the near future, surrounded by cooties with no money to purchase a proper cootie vaccination. But as a man of action, I decided not to sit still. I began what became a 14-day job hunt. Supplies were low and tensions were high but I made a vow to never give up (whether it was myself or my girlfriend talking, I may never know).

In the past I would have taken any job and put my heart and soul into it, no matter how much of my dignity was at stake. My first job had me twirling signs on the side of the freeway with a big ol’ smile (even though I was hired as a barista). My most recent job used the power of a fluffy white suit, transforming me into a monstrous, 6-foot tall Easter bunny that caused many teary-eyed children to run in fear at the sight of me.

Perhaps I’m finally becoming an adult, or perhaps I had finally gotten fed up with trading in my self-respect for a paycheck. Whatever the reason, I decided it was time to make a change.

By this time I should be desperately searching for any job that would come my way, but I’ve decided it’s time to look for a “big boy” job that will help me grow into the educator I was destined to be.           

Day in and day out, I’ve scoured the web, checked my local newspaper and gone door to door on my search for stable, relative employment. But everyone tells me without a college degree, I’m not qualified to work in education.

I’ve applied to work at preschools, day camps and after-school workshops, but everywhere I go, the stars just don’t seem to fall into place.

What feels like months have passed of me scavenging on leftover animal crackers, tangerines, crumbs from deep dark parts of the carpet in my car, and whatever my new roommates can’t finish (which is actually a lot). My hope, like a light in the darkness, is slowly beginning to fade away, and the chances of donning a furry costume or twirling a sign in order to eat and obtain a higher education are becoming much more likely.

At least, that’s what I thought: Until I saw my shining beacon of hope at the end of the tunnel. The same job that had forced me down into the fuzzy humiliating darkness has also lifted me up into the light of adulthood by offering to put me in charge of a summer camp for children. Though the camp hasn’t started yet, it makes me more hopeful for the future.

If I were to offer any advice to my fellow college students going through similar struggles, it is that you should enjoy your summer breaks and not focus on all the ridiculous things you have to do to pay for a college education.

Besides: the humiliation will be over in moments, but your college debt will last forever.