The Oakland Post

SATIRE: Fall brings beautiful scenery and depression

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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Ahh, fall. The time for cider and donuts, romps through the leaves… and seasonal affective disorder.

Yeah, I know, this is cynical as hell. But I don’t care. Just like identity theft, seasonal affective disorder is not a joke, millions of families suffer every year.

This is no coincidence, fall is the start of the semester, and with that brings intense workloads. However, even without an intense workload to make a person depressed, there comes the overcast weather to drag a person through the mud of life. No matter your weak spot, the fall and winter seasons will strike with no mercy.

While fall is just the tip of the iceberg, the biggest culprit of seasonal affective disorder is without a doubt the horrible month of January. October has Halloween to look forward to. November has the best holiday of them all, Stuff Your Face Day, a.k.a. Thanksgiving. December has Christmas and winter break.

January is without a doubt the worst month of the entire year, and if you don’t take precautionary measures to prevent seasonal affective disorder, it will strike with a vengeance come January.

So, what can you do to prevent this Michael? Great question!

The first precautionary measure is to make yourself as depressed as possible so it can only get better from here. Do whatever it takes. Sit in your bed all day and eat chips until you literally cannot move for days and go into a coma. Once you wake up, you will be so behind in school work and your social life that you will accomplish so much.

Step two is to realize this is inevitable. Just like death, there is literally nothing you can do about seasonal affective disorder. Let it consume your soul and wash over your body like a tidal wave. Then when you feel your body collapsing underneath the intense weight of the black, you have accomplished your goal.

Step three is returning to your everyday life and acting like nothing ever happened. Sure, your family and friends will be incredibly confused, but they will understand once you conquer seasonal affective disorder from creeping into your body. From this point on, all that can be is happiness and progress. You can thank me later Golden Grizzlies.

Just so you know, I am not responsible for any injuries or health side effects that you sustain while undergoing this cleanse. Do this at your own risk. I do it every year, and you see how I have turned out thus far.

Anyways, happy fall everyone!

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