SATIRE: A new species has emerged on campus

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

Neil deGrasse Tyson. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Albert Einstein. Mrs. Frizzle. Some of the greatest scientific minds that the world has ever seen are all working on the mysterious case of Youngis Freshmanicus, the new invasive species on campus.

“I travel in a magical school bus that can transform into anything that you could possibly think of, and this invasion is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen,” Frizzle said. “What baffles me the most is their traveling. Almost as if they’re a herd of wild dogs.”

Youngis Freshmanicus enjoys traveling in a blob-like fashion, where the alphas are in the front of the pack with the betas fanned out around them. You will never encounter one of these beasts alone, especially in the Oakland Center or Vandenberg.

One of the biggest focuses of this species is mating. Their entire existence revolves around courting and impressing the opposite sex. One of the most prevalent examples is the gear they carry around to acquire a social currency called “clout.”

“The most fascinating part about these creatures are the devices known as ‘Juuls’ that they insist on carrying around at all times,” deGrasse Tyson said. “These nicotine dispensing devices are fruit flavored and contain trace amounts of cancer in them. It is a mystery to me why these creatures poison themselves to move up in the social ranks, but it’s extremely effective.”

The species seems hell-bent on mating, as most of their conversations center around the opposite sex. The dining hall at Vandenberg Hall has been overrun with these creatures filling the airspace with their constant chatter about “Chad on the third floor” and “Lexi on floor four.” The dining staff has had to increase doses of Tylenol to deal with persistent headaches.

Another key feature of the Youngis Freshmanicus species is the innate ability to get lost on campus. Often times you will see them aimlessly wandering around campus in big groups, staring at their phones, desperately looking for answers. This species has not yet evolved to the point where they have gained the ability to ask others for help, they solely rely on their cell phones for guidance.

“At this point, it seems like a full blown worshipping of the cell phones,” Nye the Science Guy said. “There are experienced seniors who know where everything is, but they refuse to ask for help. Through careful observation and scientific studies, we have concluded these creatures have an abnormal amount of pride as well as an inability to look away from social media sites.”

With nowhere else to turn, researchers across the country are consulting Jane Goodall, the famous chimpanzee scientist. Observational studies are being taken all across campus, and Oakland University is now the hotbed for scientific study. Thanks to Youngis Freshmanicus, College Board has announced Oakland University as the number one research school in the known universe.

“Honestly this is the greatest achievement of my life,” Grizz said. “As the university’s representative, I’ve seen a lot of great things in my life. This tops even the movie Brother Bear coming out into theaters, which was a real big deal for all grizzly bears everywhere. This is momentous.”