The Oakland Post

SATIRE: The nation’s new epidemic: Summer Vacation

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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Recently with the new summer vacation rules being put into place by major colleges around the United States such as Oakland University, some younger students are finding it difficult to re-adjust to living with their parents. The shortage of funds combined with the inability to find an apartment that isn’t a replica of a 1400s colonial shack has led to a wave of former freshmen and sophomores begging their parents for free housing.

“At first my parents were hesitant to letting me back into their house,” sophomore Jake Python said. “But after I told them I’d eat all their food and never leave my room, they seemed pretty happy I was returning home.”

Some experts are calling this wave of migration the greatest migration to happen since the ice age. Ornithologists across North America are quitting their bird studies to study the college migration which is currently being named “The Great Broke Migration” by scientists everywhere.

In a recent interview with CNN, Albert Einstein’s grandson, Alberto, spoke about the unprecedented level of inactivity sweeping the United States now that some college students are back with their parents.

“Grocery stores everywhere are experiencing more traffic than ever,” Einstein said. “The amount of Flaming Hot Cheetos alone being produced is enough to feed the entire country of Sweden, and still have Cheetos leftover. It is revolutionary.”

What is currently ailing the nation is the increased internet usage, however. With some students not working, internet bandwidth has been at a premium.

“We have had to raise our prices significantly,” AT&T CEO Bill Williams said. “Twitter has been constantly crashing due to overuse, Instagram as well. It has really taken a toll on our servers. The usage of AT&T internet is actually putting us into debt now.”

Perhaps the most forgotten aspect of this migration is the increased stress levels of parents. Studies are showing that parents are 40 percent more stressed out on an everyday basis than they were when their college-aged kids were out of the house and subsequently out of their thoughts.

“Honestly I forgot all about how difficult it was to actually provide for another human being,” Dale Python said. “Ever since my son has come home I am constantly forgetting to feed him, talk to him about his life and attempt to connect with him over things I have absolutely no knowledge on. Can someone please explain what a meme is to me?”

With this increased difficulty of communication between parent and child, Google has reported the most searched phrases since late April have been: “What do teenagers like to do for fun?”, “What do ‘highkey’ and ‘lowkey” mean?” and “Why is my hair falling out faster than usual?”

Due to this recent wave of angst, parents are doing whatever possible to help make their lives easier. Luckily for them however, if they can’t figure it out they only have to last until early September. Until then though, the Great Broke Migration still is wreaking havoc upon most of the United States.

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