SATIRE: Missing yOU

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

Dear Oakland,

It has been almost a month and a half since we were separated by the cruelty of the winter semester ending. I long for you like no other. Since I’ve been gone, I have no words to describe the pain I am in without you. This is a suffering comparable to that of searching for a parking spot on your campus, just torturous. Oh how I wish I could stroll across your campus and wonder, “Why do geese even exist? What purpose do these angry little garbage birds serve?” How I long to receive free cardiovascular exercise due to your innate ability to make my walks longer with construction blocking me. What I would give right now to sit in a gen ed class and think “I’m a journalist, why the hell do I need to know about cellular respiration? What even is my professor’s name?”

Ah, the good old days. Nowadays, all I do is sleep in until 11 in the morning and get sunburnt from spending so much time outside with my friends. I hate it so much, I’d so much rather be waking up two hours before the sun comes up to study for a test I will inevitably fail. I’d so much rather make the trek to Vandy for a delicious meal before I face imminent doom and despair from my classes. I guess you just don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I took you for granted, I know that. I hope you can accept my generous donation of $20,000 to repair our relationship for one more year. I know that’s what everyone gives you but I miss you so much, my heart aches like that of a wild grizzly bear with no fish to feed its belly. The pain is indescribable, even though I’ve just used about 300 words in this letter to describe it… ignore that.

Anyway, I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I haven’t been the nicest. I’m kind of a jackass… but if you’ll let me, I’ll be your jackass. I’ll represent this university with a professionalism and candor unknown to mankind, and I’ll make you proud to have graduated me. Sure I’m kind of snarky, but nobody is perfect. Neither are you honestly. Your lake generates some pretty strong breezes that almost turn me into a bootleg Mary Poppins, and you kind of smell sometimes. No matter your faults Oakland University, I’ll always love you, and I hope you love me too. There’s no one else I’d rather spend eight months and $80,000 on. You’re the peanut butter to my jelly, you’re my cinnamon apple. I love you Oakland, and I hope to see you soon, but not too soon. This summer vacation thing is pretty fun, not going to lie. I miss you more than ever, and I’ll see you soon.



Michael (A.K.A. the cynical satirist who mocks you at every turn)

P.S. No matter your faults, you’re still better than UDM. Never forget that.