SATIRE: Spooky sightings on campus

Michael Pearce, Staff Reporter

With Friday the 13th rapidly approaching, Oakland University students are already seeing signs of the spiritual world coming to life. The spirits are reportedly only able to be seen by the sophomore through senior classes.

“I’m having flashbacks, but they seem so realistic to me,” senior Patricia Paddlefoot said. “I keep seeing doors all over the Oakland Center. It’s like they were there in a previous life or something.”

There have been over 500 cases of doors being seen in the past eight months, but 400 have been in the recent weeks. The victims allege that the doors were there before, they swear, but the recent construction has eliminated all the doors to the Oakland Center.

“Honestly I have no idea what these crackheads are talking about,” freshman Jimmy Atom said. “There were never any doors anywhere other than the west entrance to the OC. There must be something in the water. Maybe that’s why all the pipes keep bursting.”

Upperclassmen are also reporting there were once many organizations in the basement level of the Oakland Center, as well as something called “another set of stairs.” Many are questioning the sanity of the affected students.

“Recently I’ve been conducting more tests on my students to make sure their brains aren’t damaged from all the caffeine they intake,” psychology professor James Jigsaw said. “It’s safe to say I’ve been busy. Turns out they may not be crazy, but they definitely are all depressed because of finals approaching.”

Reports of black magic being performed by upperclassmen have also been filed to the Oakland University Police Department. Some first year students are reporting instances of “transfer meals” being used in the Oakland Center, where upperclassmen transfigure their Vandenberg Dining Hall swipes into declining points.

“I swear some of these upperclassmen are straight out of Hogwarts,” freshman Suzy Saltine said. “This girl just expecto patronum’ed her way into a six inch sub, chips and a drink at Subway, all without losing declining points. It was honestly impressive, 10 points for Gryffindor.”

Students are being advised to be on the lookout for omens of bad luck as well with the unlucky day rapidly approaching. Anything from black cats to broken mirrors must be reported to the Dean’s Office at once.

“We’ve been advised to be on the lookout for anything suspicious,” sophomore Paulie Blart said. “Anything suspicious, hideous or dangerous must be reported immediately to the proper authorities. The other day, I saw a University of Detroit-Mercy student in the Oakland Center. I wasn’t taking any chances, so I dumped my soup on him and called OUPD.”

The Oakland Center construction workers declined to comment on the existence of other doors, as well as the reported “staircase” that has gone “missing.” All students are advised to skip classes or extracurricular activities on Friday the 13th, just to be careful in avoiding any bad luck.