SATIRE: Six ways to make money while sitting on your lazy ass

Michael Pearce, Staff Reporter

1. Drive people from their residence hall to their parking spot

Parking at Oakland is… less than ideal. So, when it gets into the wee hours of the night, especially in the cold months. You can sit outside of any residence hall in your car (because you KNOW you won’t be finding a spot) and drive people back to their spot for a cheap fare. You’re in the parking structure? $5! You’re in the P1 lot? $2! Easy money. If you want to charge more, bring snacks and a fire playlist so people will enjoy the incredibly awkward ride in your beat up hand-me-down car.

2. Sell Vandy keychains outside for half price

If you lose a keychain for the takeout containers, it costs $10 to replace. Personally, I have three of these keychains because just about every time I walk into Vandy, there’s one just chilling on the ground. So, if you’re like me and you have a hefty collection of these suckers, just stand outside Vandy and sell them for $5 to those people who hate socialization so much they need to take their food back to their rooms.

3. Bet on Russian hockey online

I’ll admit, this is not my idea. I stole this from a good friend who shall remain nameless. We’ll call him Don. Don is a great guy, with a bit of an issue. Don enjoys living on the riskier side of life. His guilty pleasure? Betting on Russian hockey on gambling websites. Now while I don’t condone his actions, his methods seem to work pretty well. Placing money on sports teams you know nothing about may not work for you, but it also might. Don’t sue me if you lose everything.

4. Become Twitch famous

There is a Fortnite streamer named “Ninja” who makes $500,000 from playing video games online PER MONTH. One Twitch subscriber gets you $5 a month, so if you can fire up that console and somehow find a way to stream whatever video game you like the most, you could be receiving steady revenue. Most streamers are college-aged, so it’s not too out of the realm of possibilities that you could make it big, so long as you actually know how to play video games and don’t have the personality of a used napkin. The latter is what restricts me from becoming internet famous.

5. Scamming Financial Aid

This one is for the students who are privileged enough to receive financial support from their parents. Make your parents pay your EBill as soon as possible, then apply for EVERY scholarship known to mankind. After lying about how deserving you are of a scholarship, you may just receive one. Once you receive a decent amount of money that should be going to an actual decent human being who could use the support, financial aid will bounce back that money to you in the form of a refund check. Cash that baby as soon as possible, and you just became a lot richer. Sure, your conscience will be destroyed, but your bank account will thank you.

6. Write satire for The Oakland Post

Something that any old moron can do… writing snarky articles while you ignore an existential crisis going on in your psyche. All you need to do is complain, lie, bitch and moan about every little thing in your life, and The Post will reward you with a nice weekly cash amount. Sure, none of your coworkers will respect you, but who needs respect when you can buy all the candy your heart desires?