The Oakland Post

SATIRE: Six ways to make money while sitting on your lazy ass

Michael Pearce, Staff Reporter

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1. Drive people from their residence hall to their parking spot

Parking at Oakland is… less than ideal. So, when it gets into the wee hours of the night, especially in the cold months. You can sit outside of any residence hall in your car (because you KNOW you won’t be finding a spot) and drive people back to their spot for a cheap fare. You’re in the parking structure? $5! You’re in the P1 lot? $2! Easy money. If you want to charge more, bring snacks and a fire playlist so people will enjoy the incredibly awkward ride in your beat up hand-me-down car.

2. Sell Vandy keychains outside for half price

If you lose a keychain for the takeout containers, it costs $10 to replace. Personally, I have three of these keychains because just about every time I walk into Vandy, there’s one just chilling on the ground. So, if you’re like me and you have a hefty collection of these suckers, just stand outside Vandy and sell them for $5 to those people who hate socialization so much they need to take their food back to their rooms.

3. Bet on Russian hockey online

I’ll admit, this is not my idea. I stole this from a good friend who shall remain nameless. We’ll call him Don. Don is a great guy, with a bit of an issue. Don enjoys living on the riskier side of life. His guilty pleasure? Betting on Russian hockey on gambling websites. Now while I don’t condone his actions, his methods seem to work pretty well. Placing money on sports teams you know nothing about may not work for you, but it also might. Don’t sue me if you lose everything.

4. Become Twitch famous

There is a Fortnite streamer named “Ninja” who makes $500,000 from playing video games online PER MONTH. One Twitch subscriber gets you $5 a month, so if you can fire up that console and somehow find a way to stream whatever video game you like the most, you could be receiving steady revenue. Most streamers are college-aged, so it’s not too out of the realm of possibilities that you could make it big, so long as you actually know how to play video games and don’t have the personality of a used napkin. The latter is what restricts me from becoming internet famous.

5. Scamming Financial Aid

This one is for the students who are privileged enough to receive financial support from their parents. Make your parents pay your EBill as soon as possible, then apply for EVERY scholarship known to mankind. After lying about how deserving you are of a scholarship, you may just receive one. Once you receive a decent amount of money that should be going to an actual decent human being who could use the support, financial aid will bounce back that money to you in the form of a refund check. Cash that baby as soon as possible, and you just became a lot richer. Sure, your conscience will be destroyed, but your bank account will thank you.

6. Write satire for The Oakland Post

Something that any old moron can do… writing snarky articles while you ignore an existential crisis going on in your psyche. All you need to do is complain, lie, bitch and moan about every little thing in your life, and The Post will reward you with a nice weekly cash amount. Sure, none of your coworkers will respect you, but who needs respect when you can buy all the candy your heart desires?

1 Comment

One Response to “SATIRE: Six ways to make money while sitting on your lazy ass”

  1. Nick Black on March 29th, 2018 4:48 PM

    I’m sick and tired of the way so called “normal people” speak of sex workers. These women (as well as the transgendered and men) not only have one of the toughest jobs in the world but often are just trying to survive in the only way they know how.

    In many cases sex workers need our help not our criticism. Why can’t we try instead to understand them or even respect them for what they do? Not all sex workers are drug addicts or worse. Some of them actually help people with loneliness and despair.

    Please tell me how are our “bought and paid for” politicians are any better? Extremists donkeys and elephants with views that often harm or even cause death to innocent people? We’ve now seen many high-schoolers that have much more common sense and moral responsibility than our so-called leaders do.

    What about the people that write fake news for money? Stories that have literally driven many people towards hatred and even insanity. “News” that has helped careless and incompetent individuals (those same sellout politicians) get elected.

    What about ambulance chasers? Or con artists that bilk grandmas and millennials’ out of their life savings? What about the chicken s**t hackers in Russia, North Korea, China and elsewhere that are stealing our livelihoods and hard earned intellectual property every second of every day?

    The list of true villains is constantly growing.. online scammers, lying insurance agents and shifty financial advisors that no longer have a fiduciary responsibility to their clients. Bad mechanics that over charge you for parts and service, lazy doctors overprescribing opioids and other organ killing drugs.

    What about the media itself? While in most cases we can get honest news from them, there’s no question that some of the talking heads on TV are just plain liars and propagandists bent on nothing less than a one-sided takeover of our country. They prove every day that divide and conquer tactics still work, all too well.

    If we’re really being honest here we should acknowledge that sometimes there is much gray in our black and white world. We all can’t be singers and actors no matter what some parents try to convince their kids.

    If those without sin can cast the first stone, I for one freely admit that I wouldn’t be able to throw rocks at anybody.

    So why don’t we go after the real “bad actors?” Those low life’s that will take away your health, your wealth and all your common sense.


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SATIRE: Six ways to make money while sitting on your lazy ass