SATIRE: More than a chef

Michael Pearce, Staff Reporter

The three necessities for survival in human beings are air, water and Dennis’ cooking. Commuters know nothing about this man and what he means to residents on campus who eat in the Vandenberg Dining Hall. For residents like freshman Logan Lamb, Dennis is a source of motivation.

“Honestly if Dennis didn’t make such delicious omelettes and sandwiches every day I’d be somewhere else,” Lamb said. “There’s something about starting my day with an actual edible egg creation that for some reason just hits the spot.”

Dennis has no known last name to the residents of Oakland, but he does not need one to become a campus, and worldwide, legend.

“Honestly Dennis is more famous than I am,” Grizz, mascot of Oakland, said. “Every time I’m at a basketball game everyone just asks me where Dennis is. They don’t even take pictures with me anymore.”

Not only has the world-renowned chef gained notoriety for his cooking, but his heroics in the community as well. On Christmas Eve in 2017, a local passerby who wishes to remain anonymous noticed Dennis’ heroics at the local orphanage.

“I looked and saw this orphanage going up in flames,” the passerby said. “And then all of a sudden, I see this very tall man sprinting out of the orphanage, fighting the flames off with his frying pan in one hand, all while holding five children in his other arm.”

Perhaps Dennis’ most renowned feature inside the Vandenberg Dining Hall is his expertise with the always challenging “omelette flip.” What may be difficult for even the most talented of chefs, is child’s play for Dennis.

“Dennis’ omelette flip is a work of art,” Oakland founder Matilda Dodge Wilson said in a recent Ouija board session. “I may have the Mona Lisa in my mansion, but no art I have compares to the work of my most exquisite chef, Dennis.”

Omelette flips are not just the only skill Dennis brings to the “Menutainment” station. His sandwich making is the centerpiece of the lunchtime atmosphere in the Vandenberg Dining Hall. The most delectable of creations come steaming off of the panini machine, forcing students to salivate while waiting their turn in his ever-lengthy line he commands.

To be a great chef, one must not only possess culinary prowess, but strong social skills as well. Dennis not only brightens the day of students with his cooking, but with his candor as well.

“What really gets me through my day is that warm smile from Dennis in the morning,” Lamb said. “A lot of times I feel like I may not be welcomed in Vandy, but Dennis always makes me feel like I have a friend in the cafeteria. Sometimes, I get back in line for seconds, just to have a little bit more human interaction in my day. He is a great face of Vandy.”

In a world of conflict and division, students and alumni alike agree that Oakland is a better place because of the friendliest chef alive, Dennis.