New candidate promises bounce houses, unicorns

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By Kaylee Kean

Last Tuesday Boingo, everyone’s favorite clown, announced his own candidacy for President of the United States. He will be running as the only humorist.

“We can’t take this lineup seriously and it’s only just begun,” Boingo said at a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “I figured that was my cue to step in. Be the change you want to see, you know? Boingo!” He squeezed his big red nose after each sentence and it squeaked.

Boingo said the first thing on the agenda is to bring a little more color to the country. He would color coordinate roads, signs and buildings, and would eliminate black and white from everything. He would also paint everyone’s skin a pleasant shade of blue so there would not be any more racial disagreements.

“That way we can spend more time focusing on our comedy routines and gags,” Boingo said.

He also said he would introduce more bounce houses and colored ball pits to public areas, and would place a priority on funding animal genetics projects in the hopes that unicorns will one day be a reality.

He also mentioned turning a serious eye towards death penalty legislation.

“Some of these jokes are to die for. We need to make sure we are prepared,” Boingo said. He then ended the press conference with a balloon animal for each person in attendance.

“I believe in Boingo,” said John McPatty, while proudly sporting his Boingo shirt and American flag. “He can change this country. He can fix this. I know there are many others who feel the same, and if we all speak up for once, we can give this country the president it deserves.”

McPatty encouraged others to join him on the newest social media revolution he is starting. The hashtag is #BoingoIsTheOnlyClownForMe and #FeelTheBoingo. Twitter is already in a firestorm with this hashtag – a total of five millennials and one 70-year-old have been Tweeting at least seven times each hour using this hashtag.

After the conference a reporter asked Boingo what he would do if Hillary Clinton won the presidency.

“I would congratulate her,” he said. “And while we shook hands I would squirt my water-gun sunflower into her face. Boingo!”

But it’s not all fun and games. While Boingo shoots to the forefront of the American people’s eyes and hearts, there’s someone special to Boingo who remains hidden in the darkness, and plans to stay there.

That is Ima Weiner, Boingo’s first and only daughter. She is 21 now and will be pursuing the new Master of Science in Nursing: Forensic Nursing degree in the fall. She one day hopes to go into death investigation.

Dressed all in black, with a stylish spiked choker from the 90’s and generously applied makeup that says “I tried too hard to let you know I don’t care what you think,” Weiner is sure to inform anyone who asks that she does not support her father’s choices.

“He’s an idiot,” Weiner said. “I can’t believe this.”

While she protects her father’s true identidy, she said Boingo used to be a much different man.

“He was cool, once. He only made normal dad jokes. They were groan-worthy, but not like this. He was a normal dad.”

But then one day Boingo fell into a vat of toxic acid, on his way home from Weiner’s friend’s twin sister’s ninth birthday party. He was walking with the party’s clown when they both mysteriously fell into the vat. Boingo crawled out after two days, forever changed. He made headlines for a few years and was even featured in some Marvel-copycat film that helped him slowly elevate to the top of American entertainment.

After that, Weiner couldn’t stand him, and turned to her rebellious phase.

“It’s not a phase,” she told reporters. “Anyway, my dad is an idiot, and I don’t want people knowing we are related. Go away.”

She blasted “I’m Not Okay” by My Chemical Romance from her black Walkman and left the scene. As of press time, she had not responded to our reporter’s five emails and 22 calls.

As for Boingo, it’s still too early to see whether he will make it past primaries.

OU’s own Chief of Police, Mark Gordon, said he’s not necessarily interested in how this one will go; all he wants is the safety and happiness of the students he protects and the Americans he serves with.

Is Boingo the one to help his cause? He’s not sure.

“He might be the president this country deserves,” Gordon said. “But not the one it needs right now.”

“So we’ll hunt him,” Lieutenant Nichole Thompson said. “Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.”

Gordon looked at Thompson with a raised eyebrow. Thompson blushed. “Ah, sorry. Got carried away.”

The Oakland Post will continue to update on the presidential race and Boingo’s journey.