The Oakland Post

SATIRE: Obituary for Stephen Armica

Simon Albaugh, The real Stephen Armica

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Stephen Armica, our beloved fictitious humor writer, has left us.

In an effort to maintain the memory of his legacy, we wanted to list some of the truly amazing things he has done.

When he first started working here, he adopted a litter of “bandit kittens” and nursed them back to health. When we asked him what he meant by bandit kittens, he showed us a picture of raccoons with bottles in their mouths and bows in their hair.

When he finally got his bearings in the culture of The Oakland Post, he once talked to a crying coworker about her feelings for two hours. When they walked back, the only thing she could talk about was how inspiring it was to “see such a stupid person try so hard to make someone feel better in all the wrong ways.”

In July 2017, Stephen took refugee children away from the dreary life of a Greek refugee camp for a day. He planned an entire morning and afternoon of getting drunk with them in a park. For one day, he was able to give those children, torn by war, a normal childhood.

This past winter, he dug open the grave of Matilda Dodge Wilson in order to help her enjoy one more Meadow Brook Ball. Everyone was horrified, but we saw how endearing the gesture was.

He had the world in front of him. He had plans to travel to far off places and see the cultures. His favorite place was always Exarcheia because of the strong Absinthe and the Portuguese anarchists that he drank it with.

He also had a strong interest in fishing and hiking. He always called it his time to “Think about shit. God, get off my back!” He was so friendly.

He also liked political discourse. Oftentimes you could find him in the parking lot of Kresge Library participating in civilized gang brawls with the College Republicans and the College Democrats.

The thing we’ll all miss most about Stephen is his sense of humor. We didn’t understand it. We didn’t want to understand it. But his excitement was so infectious.

However, he was also famous for controversy. He was cornered by a group of basic white girls and frats in the Oakland Center after writing unflattering articles about them. The encounter almost cost him his life.

Stephen Armica left us on Feb. 27, 2018 after getting in a fight with a bear at the Nashville Zoo. He started yelling that the bear was flirting with his girlfriend and climbed over the fence. After Stephen rolled up his sleeves and took brass knuckles out of his pockets, the bear mauled him to death.

Stephen was a satirist. He was a poet. He was an artist. But most importantly, he was our acquaintance. Friend might be too strong of a word for someone like him.

We’ll miss him whenever we won’t have someone to do all the work that we don’t feel like doing that day.

Rest in Peace, Stephen Armica.

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