The Oakland Post

SATIRE: Because you a**holes keep asking for horoscopes

illustration by Erin O'Neill

illustration by Erin O'Neill

Stephen Armica, Satirist

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Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You are the natural leader of the pack. You are the innovator. You can do anything. You also don’t understand when someone is being condescending and facetious just to make you feel better about yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You are creative. Anything and everything is possible in your pursuit to artistic perfection. You like music, paintings, literature and naively thinking that private art school student loans will be paid off in no time.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are the courageous one. The one who is willing to put themselves in any sort of danger and somehow come out unscathed. Whereas, I still have flashbacks about the time a friend’s house cat scratched me.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You are patient, reliable, devoted and easily misled into becoming a pawn in the machinations of an entity that doesn’t care for human life. Let’s face it, when you watch spy movies, you wish that evil henchman was on the high school career placement test.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You are agreeable, quick to learn, quick to see the other’s perspective and generally the most easily misled. You frequently walk away from conversations feeling like you agreed to something terrible like red-lining just to seem nice to the other person.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You are completely in touch with your emotions. When you watch a movie where a puppy dies, the tissue box is the first thing you reach for. Just knowing that someone had a bad day is too much for you to handle. But, the last time you read an article about human rights abuses in another country, you didn’t really care much.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You are generous, warm hearted and welcoming. If someone you don’t know steps through your door, the first thing you do is offer them a glass of water. You really need to feel like you’re welcoming because your ego is very fragile at the moment.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): You are analytical, hardworking and practical. Basically, you’re the most likely to get rich and miserable. There’s nothing you can do about that, so maybe it’s best just to get used to this whole wealth, power and absolute emptiness feeling.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): You are the fair one. You can see both sides and you can make sure everyone’s happy. However, you need to be careful. If you give one side too much fairness, you can end up giving some screwed up sociopath the confidence to run for U.S. President.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You are passionate, resourceful and everyone’s best friend. You are also most likely to have bought $2,000 worth of fidget spinners at production cost because you thought you would get rich selling them. Wow, did you screw that one up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You’d do anything just to be able to tell yourself that you are totally free. Like, you’ve actually done some really screwed up crap just to be able to know that nothing can hold you back. There’s a warrant for your arrest that you don’t even know about.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You are disciplined, ordered and in control. And that’s why people don’t like you. You have told a lot of Sagittarius that their dreams are stupid in order to let them know how in control you are.

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