SATIRE: Why student loans would be sociopathic jerks


Stephen Armica, Satirist

If your student loans could talk, what would they say? Would they be friendly and supportive?

I think we all don’t want to know what the answer to those questions are. Even if they were able to, student loans have a personality disorder that prevents them from ever saying anything that doesn’t involve well-worded therapy fuel.

So here’s some things your student loans would have said over the years before it grew into the $60,000 monster that it is today. Reader discretion is advised. And any similarities between Pennywise trying to devour a child and this article are, unfortunately, coincidental.


“Don’t worry… This is it. I’m in, I’m out. I’m gone in a year or two. You won’t need more than this. That bad time in your parent’s small business? Don’t worry about it. You’re stimulating the economy. And more importantly, you’re getting the education you always needed. By the way, you want a balloon kid? Oh yeah, you’re already 19 years old.”


“I’m back bitches! I mean, hello, thank you for your continued business with my benevolent creators. If you could just sign on that dotted line, just like you did before, and… I’m back you little shit!”


“What? Not gonna say welcome when I walk into your dorm? Jeez, not so friendly, are you? Maybe I’ll remind you of the interest rates before you start getting all uppity about this. And by the way, you remember how I promised I’d be paid off in two years? Well guess what. I can’t promise anything now except that I won’t be paid off in less than 10.”


“You know, I’m almost starting to feel bad for you. Wait, what am I saying, I’m nowhere close to feeling bad for you. Social mobility doesn’t exist. All those bankers that move to New York City and get rich on Wall Street, their parents paid for their college. You’re just going to work for your parent’s business until you pay off your student loans at 40.”


“Hey, where the frick is the beer? Awe, you only have one in the fridge, sucks for whoever bought this then. Anyway, the bank let me out of my cell on a conjugal visit, and I thought I’d have it with you, if you know what I mean…. I’m just screwing with you. They let me out of my cell so I could kill you…”


“Pray to me, for I am your god now. Sacrifice your greatest ambitions and passions, so I may be merciful to you. Any career risks that you may take shall never be worth the risk of running delinquent on my payments. Any family additions that could improve your happiness shall never be replaced by me. I shall kill the first born… Okay, maybe not all of that. But you get the point right? You’re mine now.”

Writer’s note: I just got really sad all of the sudden after I finished writing this article.