SATIRE: 9 Celebrities that will be running for president in 2020

SATIRE: 9 Celebrities that will be running for president in 2020

Simon Albaugh, Social Media Editor

Oprah just announced her candidacy run for the next presidential election. Remaining in her station as a source of inspiration, she’s even created a movement of other media celebrities announcing their run. So to begin the incessant and parasitic election coverage cycle, here is the full list of celebrities-turned-politicians.

May God have mercy on Americans’ souls for our arrogance.

  • Taylor Swift

Pros: Never afraid to tell the other heads of states when they’re making “bad blood”. She’s the perfect national spokeswoman for cultural exchanges and woman’s rights.

Cons: The presidency is difficult for every single person. And I can’t say whether the album that comes out immediately after will be good, or tinged with the stress of 120 hour weeks every week for four years.

  • A$AP ROCKY

Pros: Guaranteed progressive drug legislation. Possibly making mind-bending relations with heads of states during LSD-laced diplomatic trips too.

Cons: Decisions that could be made during the inevitable LSD experiences and one hard long look at the mirror above the nuclear button.

  • Tom Hanks

Pros: If air force one is shot down over the ocean, he knows exactly what to do. Plus, Meryl Streep as VP.

Cons: He wrote a book about his typewriter collection. We don’t want North Korea to think we’re all boring.

  • Tom Cruise

Pros: The presidency takes a lot of energy. And if anybody can do only what a metric ton of cocaine could do, it’s this guy.

Cons: There’s a strong, almost certain, completely certain possibility that he would turn the United States into a Scientology-run theocracy. And no, I don’t think that’s a viable form of religious expression.

  • Cardi B

Pros: Inspiring to women. Created an extremely viable business model. And will probably turn America into the realist nation on Earth.

Cons: “Bodak Yellow” would become the new National Anthem. And I never learned the words.

  • Snoop Dogg

Pros: Eloquent. Poised. In touch with his audience. This man has gone through everything, including the 90s hip-hop scene, which everyone would rather forget.

Cons: He’d have to open the windows to the Oval Office before the cops show up to kill the party.

  • Nic Cage

Pros: Just like movie roles, he’d never turn down a challenge.

Cons: If his state of the union address involves a “National Treasure reference”, I’m going to impeach him myself.

  • BatMan

Pros: Tough on crime. Proven to be an essential part of the civic process in his home district of Gotham.

Cons: Has a track record of denying the civil rights of apprehended suspects. Also, the one we need, but not the one we deserve.

  • Vladimir Putin

Pros: Close relationship with the preceding president of the United States. Intimate secrets of America’s greatest adversary in the 20th Century. The memes would be endless.

Cons: We don’t really have a choice on this one. He’s probably going to tear apart America from the inside out.