SATIRE: A college student’s guide to giving up on your resolution by the end of January

Simon Albaugh, Social Media Editor

Let’s face it, the only thing keeping you on this workout routine, this new diet or this complete lack of alcohol is the Facebook post you can’t wait to write on Dec. 31, 2018 saying that you actually stuck to your New Year’s resolution. And is that really a strong foundation for your goals?

I didn’t think so when I finally thought about it. I wanted so badly to work out every day and read more and eat super healthy. But the gym, the library and the health foods store were all closed on Jan. 1.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I didn’t have to prolong the agony of pretending that I’ll ever change into a better person. And I now feel like a fulfilled person because of it.

But I didn’t come to this realization without having my warnings. I want everyone to make sure they keep these things in mind for the exact moment their New Year’s resolution dies forever. Otherwise, you might feel too bad about yourself to do it all again next year.

  • Don’t think you’re a worse person for doing this: Better people have tried and failed at completely unrealistic goals. Just because you really, really wanted to quit smoking doesn’t mean that you’re an awful person for realizing that quittings hard. But still keep in mind that you’re an awful person for smoking.
  • Seeing a goal go completely is better than slowly losing interest: Maybe you thought it would be awesome to try to look like a body builder by April. But then you started to realize that it takes thousands of hours to look like that. You’re not screwed. You can always just give up and no one would hold it against you.
  • You might realize that you don’t actually want the effects: Let’s say your New Year’s resolution is to do more homework instead of goofing off with friends. But then you realize that goofing off with your friends was the only thing holding your fragile sanity together. Sorry library, this person needs to focus on their debauchery.
  • What’s important is your comfort: Lasting and fulfilling change takes a lot of work. Like, a LOT of work. And work is hard. So what’s the point in doing anything to screw up all the good things you have going for you right now? Yeah, I thought so.
  • Understand when to give up: It’s not a matter of if, but when you give up. You don’t want to keep doing something you don’t like only to improve your mental and physical fitness as well as develop a healthy and consistent hobby that gives meaning to your life. Trust me, you don’t want that, especially when Dec. 31 comes around again.

Obviously there’s more to this whole process than I’m able to explain. But just make sure that you do the best you can. And when it gets the best of you, just think of these tips.