SATIRE: The political parties of college campuses


Stephen Armica, Satirist

It’s no secret that America is divided. But the interesting thing that I didn’t realize is that there’s more than just people who either agree with me or are disappointments of human beings. So to clear things up, I wanted to show all of you the diversity of the opinions that we all love to hate.

This is by no means a complete collection. If I had an eternity to describe the people I didn’t like, I’d probably spend the first half on just my ex-girlfriend. But it’s a good start to explaining things like Bernadette Corporation Protest Culture, the insufferable voice of Tomi Lahren and Supply Side Jesus. This list, which represents the political culture of college campuses, probably explains why we’re all pretty weird.

1.)   The College Republicans and Democrats Parties: It doesn’t matter which side of the political spectrum they’re on, they’ll still make you feel bad for not being as into politics as they are. These guys are the most common. They do the voter registration drives, the local candidate’s campaigning and the insufferable politicizing of everything.

2.)   The Communist Figure T-Shirt Party: They really love Che Guevara. They’re always talking about how much communism makes sense and wondering why nobody else has woken up to the fascist government like they have. But if you ask them to go to a cool protest, they’ll just say they want to watch Netflix.

3.)   The Independents (meaning they still don’t know the difference between Republicans and Democrats): The only thing worse than someone that doesn’t agree with you is someone who doesn’t understand why you even care to argue. Pick up a newspaper for once! This world is going to shit and you have no idea!

4.)   Anarchist Party: No matter how many times they explain what anarchism actually is, I’m just going to assume they’re really dumb. No, I don’t want to read The Coming Insurrection. I don’t care if it’s free online, just stop asking.

5.)   Democratic Socialist Party: For a group of people so hell-bent on equality, they’re really giving a lot of the power in the movement to an old white guy. Let’s be honest, it’ll never be a true reality. But once these people lose faith, the whole system goes to shit. So just keep this whole Bernie vibe going, or else Donald Trump is going on a Blitzkrieg against anything that actually makes political sense.

6.)   White Nationalist Party: Holy shit, do we have those at college campuses? I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and those people freak me the f*** out. If someone feels confident enough to tell you this is what they believe, please shatter their confidence. Quickly.

7.)   The people who change their political opinions based on whatever friends they’re with Party: Come on Stanley! I’ve seen you do this three times already. Just pick something and stick with it. It’s okay to have your own opinions. What? You like David Duke’s thing? Yeah, go back in your shell and never come back.