SATIRE: How pass time on the weekends when you’re stuck on campus

Parents can’t drive you? Not enough room in the car for that MSU party? Grandma had her license revoked? AND you can’t afford car insurance? Well, I genuinely feel terrible for you.

It’s no secret that Oakland University is not much of a party school. Unless you’re in a frat and have sad parties for breakfast, lunch, dinner and that midnight Taco Bell run, then you’re pretty much out of luck. But for the rest of us, we take our weekends about as extreme as a jigsaw puzzle with a sloth.

Needless to say, the “greatest time of our lives” needs to hurry up already. So I propose that on the weekends when you can’t find a party and when your Friday night is only as good as what’s on Netflix and when tinder’s run barren, you give some of these things a try:

1. Go to the quiet floor of the library when no one’s there, tape the motion-sensor lights and have a rave. Play Swedish house music as loud as possible. When someone comes to yell at you just make them dance along with you.
2. Climb a tree. No one is on campus to silently judge you for being childish or wish they had the confidence to do the same thing.
3. Hitchhike to downtown Rochester. See the lights, the shops and the terrified look on your driver’s face as they silently question their own judgement for picking you up.
4. Go to the fourth floor of the library. It’s not like you were going to get homework done anyway.
5. Read a good book. The library’s full of them. But don’t get “Fanny Hill.” It’s Fifty Shades of Grey for people who only read classic books.
6. Make yourself a nice meal. Or at least intend to until you burn your chicken masala. Then go back to your bedroom in shame and microwave the fourth bowl of ramen for the day.
7. Rent a projector from the AV department and have a movie night in your floor’s lounge. Oh wait, you’re literally the only one on the floor. The RA went to that MSU party too.
8. Re-enact the plot to “The Shining.” That wasn’t a suggestion. You don’t have a choice on this one.
9. Play chess with yourself. It’s a great way to get better at the game while silently cursing everyone that ever left you. Also, that weird guy in the chess club will somehow figure out that you touched a chess board and then won’t stop asking you to play him.
10. Go see what other floors are up to. Wait, are you literally the only person on campus right now? No one else is here? So no one would care if you walked around the halls naked? You’re just gonna test this… Oh, hello officer. It’s not what it looks like. I just… Yeah, let me find my pants before you arrest me.