I was expecting a call this Saturday. Did you just forget about it? I guess you must’ve forgotten who literally brought you into this cruel world WHERE YOU DON’T CALL!

Anyway, I thought I’d buy a nice little spot in this nice little newspaper to tell you in a nice little way that you forgot to call this weekend. You know how we always talk on Saturdays? How it’s our time to talk? How I look forward to this more than “Real Housewive’s”?!

Which, by the way, is cold and unsatisfying when you don’t call me while I’m watching it. Just like your father.

And another thing: Can you just remind me, just this once when it’s ever freaking okay to call someone on a Sunday morning? I have church Sunday mornings! You already know I don’t get enough Jesus.

Is this my fault? Did I do something to hurt you? Did I hurt you? Is that why you didn’t call? Well whatever the reason, I’m sure it’s stupid.

What needs to be done to fix this? What can you do to make this up to me? You’re gonna have to figure that out. And you’re gonna have to make it good.

Now if I were you, I’d come to visit. You know how much it makes your mother happy. You know she’s fully prepared to make dinner just for you. So why don’t you leave your friends and remind your mummy that there’s only one woman in your life.

And that way, we could watch “Real Housewive’s” together. Just curled up with my glass of wine and you juice box or whatever you drink these days, and we could just watch. I think that’s the only way you could make this right.

Also maybe you can slip away when I fall asleep next to my eighth or ninth glass and head back to your college campus. And the next weekend, you could pick up the phone and call.

Look, I don’t give a damn how much homework you have. I don’t care whether you’re trying to get a girlfriend and you’re taking a nice girl out on a date at the theatre. You know you’re gonna marry Sarah from back home. You two have been destined to be together since third grade.

Anyway, you know you have to call me. Which, by the way, have you seen what Sarah’s up to? She’s saving herself for you. She always tells me at the grocery store how much she can’t wait to see you again. So just think of her, and think of your mother.

Also, the next time you think about this, just remember that you were given one responsibility in this world. One. And until the day I die, that’s the only responsibility you have that actually matters. Don’t forget that.

Can’t wait to hear from you again! And if you don’t want another op-ed, just call and tell me about it, alright?