Fraternity Madness

Stephen Armica, Satirist

Disclaimer: this article is written by a student who was part of a fraternity is meant to be in good fun. At The Post, we believe in making fun of everyone equally.

This satirical article may startle you. It was not otherwise possible to emphasize the frightful toll of this phenomenon that is destroying the youth of America. Fraternities (or “frats”) are quickly becoming the real public enemy number one.

Walking on campus, little Billy Freshman meets a lot of people. He sits with a group of friends he met from the residence halls during lunch. He’s even had a few conversations with people in his classes. Yes, Billy is a good upstanding student.

Billy began studying for his MCAT the summer before his first year. His parents gave him a good upbringing, but dangerously let him take on the personality of what is known as a “Bro.” Now, not only is he vulnerable, but also in serious danger.

Fraternity “recruiters” know this. They’ve been insidiously trained to identify these people by their fraternity partners and they actively seek these people out for their nefarious goals. You see, recruiters seek these people out for one reason and one reason only, to turn everyone into a “frat boy.”

Billy made the fateful mistake on his way to class that first week. He wore a hat backwards. It was only moments before the recruiters locked eyes with poor Billy.

Recruiters may seem like well-meaning individuals at first. But always look into their eyes. They’re almost always high on Marihuana (See Reefer Madness for more information) and almost always hungover.

Billy Freshman quickly became ensnared into the ring of lies and deceit that is a Fraternity. At first, he enjoyed the parties, the friends and the weekends spent enjoying himself. But this quickly turned bad.

The fraternity life quickly changed Billy. Within a year, Billy went from what would’ve been an early admission to Harvard Medical School to someone who is preoccupied with interfraternity gossip and campus sports scores. He drinks almost a gallon of alcohol each day, and he lewdly jokes about certain areas of the anatomy every chance he has.

But this is not the end for Billy. Not only did he lose all of his potential as a pre-medical student. But he also lost his life!

One day, Billy is drinking from a beer bong while attempting to communicate with a fellow fraternity brother through a secret language known as fist bumps. He is drinking as fast as he can until he suddenly misses a fist bump and falls forward, causing him to choke on the beer bong. He’s pronounced dead long before paramedics can arrive.

This frightful scourge on humanity is brainwashing our youth, killing those with the most potential and inevitably causing global warming.

It’s up to you, the educated one, to spread the truth about what you read today. Tell your friends, your family, even your children that fraternities are not “fun.” They are not “Sick bro” and they are not “Tight AF brah.” They are dangerous and they are destroying our children, our youth.

It is up to you, the reader, to know these things.