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SATIRE: How to fail a class in your first semester

Simon Albaugh, Social Media Editor

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Let me just start this by saying that there is nothing exciting about “not doing enough homework” or “spending too much time partying.” No. Those are not the wimpy things this article’s going to describe.

I’m only here for the REAL class failures. I’m talking about Homecoming King turned miserable king of a failing mattress store with a medieval theme. I’m talking about plagiarizing something the TEACHER wrote. And most importantly, I’m talking about failing so badly that everyone else passes the class by DEFAULT.

So here it is. The ten most important things you can do to mark the rest of your life in shame.

  1. Have a bunch of friends come into your class and help you start a riot on the first day. And don’t just make it useless. Make a statement. Have it be about For-Profit prisons or the environment. Put some glitter on this senseless act of violence for Pete’s sake.
  2. If your teacher calls on you, get in a “Are you talkin’ to me?” match with them. When they try to laugh it off, stand up and get right in their face. “Hey, are you talkin’ to me? Because I’m talkin’ to you Mr. Professor Guy!”
  3. Act skeptical about everything the professor tells you. “Yeah, right. Like I’m about to stand here and believe that post-WWII Japan was marked by anxiety over the rate of reconstruction. I’ll tell yeah, teach. You got all these other people fooled… but not me.”
  4. Bring a snake into an exam. Tell the teacher that there is nothing in the academic policy about bringing snakes into class. “Never mind that the snake is throwing up papers with exam answers. It’s a legit snake, with a legit reason to be in your illegitimate class, professor!”
  5. Stand outside of the classroom every day, yelling fake facts about the subject. “Don’t believe the professor. Mitosis is not the process of cell-reproduction. It’s actually something two consenting adults do when they…”
  6. Lick the professor’s ear.
  7. Question the professor’s credentials in their class. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve got a burning question to ask this ‘real’ college called Rutgers University. Do they really hand out Ph.D.s? Or do they just teach really good calligraphy? I’m just asking…”
  8. Ask the person next to you if you could copy off them…Using a megaphone.
  9. Come to class naked and insist that everyone else is actually not wearing clothes. “You guys are freaking disgusting, you know that. I mean, really. Who comes to class without underwear at least!”
  10. Start a war between the smartest and the dumbest half. Make your chant “We will not be Morlocks!” and when nobody on your side gets it, go home frustrated.

This is by far the most important thing people do to remember the rest of their lives as an endless string of bad decisions. So make that first bad decision a great one!

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