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The Oakland Post

Joe Arpaio is a vampire that feeds on Mexicans (AKA Tlahuelpuchi)

Stephen Armica, Satirist

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President Donald Trump’s recent pardon of former Sheriff Joe Arpaio has many shaking their heads in agony, wondering why this matters or celebrating along with David Duke. While the first two are appropriate, it must be understood by everyone what Joe Arpaio did to require a pardon.

Arpaio created a jail system based on racially profiling anyone with dark skin and an accent that matches the Speedy Gonzales training video he developed. These were not “drug dealers, rapists and bad people,” but often times regular people that just knew how to cook really good Tamales.

This jail system wasn’t a normal one. They did not wait in a jail cell with continued access to food, water and a lawyer. They were living in tents in the backyard of the jail. This is Arizona. Not a mild September day in Michigan at your cousin’s house. Come on.

Trump’s response to this was to call him “a great American patriot.” After that, I can only assume that Trump was playing monopoly while talking about his approval rating. I don’t know, maybe he noticed the first card in his deck and just ran with it.

So after hours of trying to guess what Trump’s reason for this could be, I developed the only possible solution: Joe Arpaio is a vampire! This may seem far-fetched but please hear me out.

Arpaio clearly requires blood to survive. According to Hispanic folklore, I think he is what is known as the “Tlahuelpuchi.” While I might not know how to pronounce that, I can tell you it sounds pretty sketchy.

According to the myth, one gains the curse by being responsible for the death of someone else with the curse. Do you know how many people died in Arpaio’s jails? According to one report, it’s about a quarter of all inmates in Arpaio’s jail that commit suicide. That’s not counting heat stroke, malnutrition, mistreatment or that one time they just beat the shit out of a pregnant woman.

So with those numbers, it’s not hard to catch the curse. But what’s the only way to really know? By catching them in the act. The problem is that Count Arpaio wasn’t caught. He was pardoned.

So I’m telling America this in a way that might be more appealing. Trump didn’t pardon a virulent racist that held the power to destroy innocent people’s lives. He let a vampire roam free to feed on human blood. Count Arpaio is on the prowl, folks.

Now that he hasn’t been convicted of a felony, he can willingly run for public office and create a police state, where he can quench his dark bloodlust at whim.

The important journalistic question is, obviously, what white nationalists have to do with this thing. What about the protest on campus last year? Are they vampires? Do we have vampires on our campus? Is Oakland University a breeding ground for conservative vampires?! Oh my God, is everyone who’s conservative a vampire?!!

When people wake up to this fact, they’re probably going to wonder why Trump would do this for a vampire – or if he’s a vampire like I am. For those answers, I’ll explain when I’ve researched more on this. In the meantime, wear garlic and a crucifix. It’ll keep Arpaio away while I work on proving this whole thing.

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.