Everybody’s been dumped. Everybody’s dumped someone – I’m looking at you, SARAH. But most importantly, everyone’s been a sore loser after the whole ordeal is over.

Well, I’m telling you right now that you don’t have to be the loser after someone, like Sarah, tears your heart out of your chest and eats it as an entree with her new, uglier, boyfriend. You can still come out on top after someone ruins your life.

I’ve come up with a five-step program to make sure you don’t ever have to be the one listening to sad music as you delete pictures that you thought were going to be on the mantle of the stone fireplace in your Tudor-style home in the suburbs THAT WE TOTALLY COULD’VE HAD, SARAH! Instead, you’ll win the breakup. 

Step 1: Don’t accept the breakup.

Say,  “No, you’re not dumping me. I’m dumping you!” This gives you the opportunity to feel in control of the situation. When I did this, Sarah called me petty. But that’s a small price to pay for coming out of what I originally thought would be the worst moment of my life emotionally unscathed.

Step 2: Before he/she walks away, make sure to collect all the money that was wasted on dates and well-thought-out gifts.

I decided to include the cost of the hours I spent writing poetry for her. Sarah didn’t like the poems because her soul is too ugly to appreciate beautiful poetry. She still owes me $2,998.27.

Step 3: Tell him/her you’re pregnant.

I’m a guy, so for about three minutes this freaked the hell out of Sarah. She started pacing and saying that she “couldn’t have a baby right now,” and almost started crying. Then she just slapped me and walked away.

Step 4: Go to a senior-living community, say you’re volunteering to bring a senior citizen out into the real world, go to the restaurant where your ex and his/her new significant other are on a date, and don’t stop talking about how much of an upgrade your date is from him/her.

This is almost the pettiest thing I could think of. I thought this was my crowning achievement until . . .

Step 5: “Randomly” run into him/her five years later and tell him/her about how the breakup made you realize you weren’t emotionally mature enough for a relationship at the time. Talk about how you started working on yourself more and trying to make something out of your life after the breakup. Then, when he/she asks if you’d like to get coffee or something, tell him/her no because he/she is fat, ugly and smells bad.

This process came from years of research and is proven to work. Just ask Sarah, who I couldn’t get a testimonial from. Probably because of how petty she is.

But regardless, I hope the best for those who use this process. It’s emotionally cathartic and truly a gratifying act for your confidence.