Kresge Library has come a long way since it began as a place to study and borrow books. The library offers DVDs, laptops, various cables and even board games. However, always looking for innovation, the library will expand once again. Using the revenue from late fees as well as outside investment, Kresge plans to add full banking services by January 2017.

“We already loan out so many things, why not cash?” said Gordon Gekko, Kresge’s chief financial officer. “We’ll loan out CDs [compact discs] and CDs [certificates of deposit]. You can read a book about the stock market and then invest in the stock market without even leaving the building.”

The library will offer all of the normal services of a bank, up to and including keeping patrons in debt for the rest of their lives.

The most innovative part of Kresge’s banking is the unique loan system. Instead of having an annual interest rate like a traditional bank, Kresge’s loans will be interest-free for the first three weeks and renewable online. After that, loans up to $5,000 will have a flat interest rate of $500 charged per day, and loans higher than $5,000 will have an interest rate of $50,000 per hour. There will be no criteria whatsoever to be eligible for the loans.

“We have to be committed to the free flow of currency the way we are committed to the free flow of information,” Gekko said. “Plus, the late fees will have us rolling in so much cash we won’t even miss these small-time loans.”

Freshman business major Bruce Cash is so excited, he plans to take out a $1,000,000 loan the first day banking services will be available.

“I’m just going to buy a ton of lottery tickets,” he said. “Sure, there’s a 99 percent chance I’ll lose everything, but then I’ll just get another loan to cover the late fees. If I hit the jackpot, I can drop out and spend my earnings on cocaine and hookers.”

Experts in the financial industry insist that this system will never work.

“It’s stupid,” said Ambrose Erickson, a stock market day trader. “I would say this is the least intelligent thing I have heard about all day, and I watch American news during election season.”

When pressed about why all the numbers seem completely random and don’t make any sense, Gekko muttered something about golden parachutes before emphasizing that every detail was worked out by a team of highly skilled mathematicians.

“We got the top undergraduate accountants,” he said. “They get gold stars on all their homework. I am very proud of them.”

In order to create space for the new banking system, the third floor of Kresge Library will be completely renovated. Everything unnecessary to the workings of the library will be removed, such as the most comfortable chairs and all of the books.

The renovation is on track for the 2017 grand opening, and Gekko hopes to avoid the late fee that the university will impose if the project does not meet the deadline.