The Oakland Post

Don’t be a Democrat—here’s how to actually stall a new Supreme Court nomination

Ben Hume, Web Editor

September 23, 2020

Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Chairman of the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, mourned the passing of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG) by taking her final wishes and pissing all over them. Ginsburg’s final wish, spoken...

Arts students squished into Pillsbury dough tube

Emily Morris, Managing Editor

September 16, 2020

Crumbling Varner Hall has at last been replaced by a facility that keeps up with the times and has high-class instruments for music, theater and dance students. After tirelessly requesting, students in the arts can climb out o...

MMA smackdown results in heartbreaking loss for beanie baby of Kennedy dynasty

Lauren Karmo, Campus Editor

September 9, 2020

In a heated battle between incumbent (and king) Sen. Ed Markey and fresh-faced beanie baby Rep. Joe Kennedy III, the Green New Deal champ came out on top for another progressive win for the radical left. As some of you may have h...

Housing implements honor system to dispel guests

Michael Pearce, Editor-in-Chief

August 24, 2020

Oakland University housing is on the cutting edge of university policies, as they unveil their newest ground-breaking innovation in on-campus safety: the honor system. Instead of properly compensating night watch employees to enforc...

Anti-maskers force seagulls into higher education

Emily Morris, Managing Editor

August 24, 2020

In a world where Oakland University lies almost empty for an entire summer, the seagulls saw a chance, and they took it. Reread in Don LaFontaine’s voice if you didn’t already — the voice actor not the Subaru dealership...

Trump wants to ban TikTok? Do it, I dare you

Lauren Karmo, Campus Editor

August 4, 2020

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and gays, welcome back to the Oakland Post’s satire section after a long hiatus. In March, we needed to take a pause to focus on some slightly more important issues — we’re in a global pandemi...

Stupid fights to instigate with your sibling in quarantine

Lauren Karmo, Campus Editor

April 1, 2020

My brother and I are best friends, don’t get me wrong, but being stuck in the same house together day-in and day-out is gonna lead to some head butting. Now that we’re older, we don’t fight as much as we did when we were...

‘Paul Blart’ 2: Hollywood royalty

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

April 1, 2020

When you think of an American hero, what goes through your head? Some might think of soldiers, lifelong politicians, firefighters and doctors. But there is only one man I’d ever give the title of “hero” to. His name...

Majors as different breeds of dogs

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

April 1, 2020

I LOVE dogs. I wish I could pet every dog I pass, but the days are just too short for that. If I’ve learned anything over my 21 years of living, it’s that every dog has its very own personality, just like us college students....

Your horoscopes: Week of April 1, 2020

Sergio Montanez, Photographer

April 1, 2020

Aries: March 21-April 19 After decades of soul-searching, you finally realize that you have no soul.  Taurus: April 20-May 20 A reoccurring dream will predict a sudden thrill to make workout videos like those couples on Inst...

The top eight songs to add to your ‘Social Distancing’ Spotify playlist

Sergio Montanez, Photographer

April 1, 2020

You’ve already watched “The Office” in its entirety twice, but since you’ve got nothing else to do, now you’ve decided to watch reruns of it on Comedy Central. Soon enough, you’re going to rewatch the final season of ...

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