The Oakland Post

Empty space on campus is ‘severely depressed’

By Jordan Gonzalez

July 11, 2012

Friends, family and school officials are concerned about the drastic change in the attitude of Oakland University’s Empty Space, which has gone from chipper and ambitious to weary and suicidal.On sight witnesses, as well as ...

MONTHLY TOP 10: The Olympics

By Nichole Seguin

July 11, 2012

America, known for blind overconfidence and being the best at everything has been smashing records all year long.Setting extreme heat waves, creating The Expendables 2 and having the biggest presidential election to date, Ame...

Don’t text. Ever.

By Dylan Dulberg

June 5, 2012

Dear American citizens and lawmakers, (I would address this to New Jersey, but I think somebody will need to read this out loud for them anyways),In the words of Ron White: “You can’t fix stupid.” But apparently, you can...

Russi imports live grizzlies on campus

By Jordan Gonzalez

June 5, 2012

DISCLAIMER: This Mouthing Off piece is purely a work of fiction.Wildlife at Oakland University will no longer be limited to its herd of deer.In what many are calling a brazen move, President Russi approved a measure that will ...

Lessons aren’t learned under strict school circumstances

By Brian Figurski

May 21, 2012

It might be old-fashioned of me, but I remember my first kiss.Many people these days don’t, either because all the tongues and saliva melt together, or it was the offspring of an inebriated evening.It was a May day in kinderga...

The Internet is home to many strange and unusual findings

By Dylan Dulberg

May 7, 2012

Dear Amazon, EBay, and all people who shop online,The phrase, “utterly useless and makes me question the competence of my (apparently) criminally moronic species” is thrown around a lot these days. It fits best, however, in a...

Finals Week: Don’t You Dare Procrastinate

By Brian Figurski

April 18, 2012

The end is almost here. The finish line is just in reach. All that is left are these dreaded finals.I can taste the vodka already. I’m so glad no campus staff monitors the contents of my “water” flask.For those of you who...

‘Commercial-Free’ is a wonderful term

By Dylan Dulberg

April 10, 2012

Dear ABC, NBC, FOX, CNN, USA, MTV/VH1 (which are really the same thing), TBS, TNT and whatever channel Tyler Perry is on nowadays,There have only been a handful of commercials in the last few years that successfully told us, the con...

Weekly top 10

By Brian Figurski

April 10, 2012

With so much on the plates of Golden Grizzlies this month, we understand the relentless need to relieve some stress. Well, most likely after finals are over, but we’d like to think you’ll get to some comic relief remedies sooner than later. Here’s a comprehensive list of the 10 things we are planning to take care of in place of crying. We also derive great pleasure from making other people uncomfortable, and this list is exactly how to accomplish those feats.10. Take your most “hood-looking” friends and treat them to a mani/pedi adventure.9. Go enjoy sunlight, take a long walk on the beach and then take up smoking.8. Punch people in the face, right before they begin to eat their food.7. Get a facial from one of your classmates. A certified, professional male classmate.6. Go see a movie while wearing a long-necked giraffe outfit.5. Go to Ann Arbor on April 20.4. Draw Digimon characters with the Pokéchalkers.3. (censored by the editor, but it had something to do with sex).2. Listen to “Sexy and I Know It” while sexily eating a big jar of mayonnaise.1. Start a food war at an old folks home and leave while they have flashbacks.

Streaming tears in the name of stress

By Brian Figurski

April 10, 2012

I find it slightly unnerving that the month of April has been tagged “Stress Awareness Month,” yet I have to hurdle over tufts of hair students have ripped out of their scalps studying tediously.That’s walking 30 feet into...

What would you do with $600 million?

By Brian Figurski

April 3, 2012

A question I’ve heard too many times this past week is, “what would you do with $600 million?” when the Mega Millions lottery sweepstakes swept the nation.I would flush a toilet 600 million times. I would invest in a multimedia...

Spring break traveling nightmares

By Dylan Dulberg

March 31, 2012

Ah, it’s that time of the year again. The time for warm weather, bright sunshine, relaxing days on the beaches of Mexico, and fun-filled nights at their bars. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about: Spring Break.Wher...

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