The Oakland Post

Set your BlackBerry to end your dates

By Web Master April 14, 2009

By Katelyn StanisGuest ColumnistI waited in line for 15 minutes at Subway in the Pioneer Food Court in the Oakland Center today. I then waited another five minutes in a separate line to pay. At this point,...

“FLOW: For the Love of Water” showcased in OC

April 13, 2009

"FLOW: For the Love Of Water," a documentary about water rights, pollution and privatization was shown on Oakland University's Oakland Center Thursday, April 3.The film's overall message is to raise awareness...

Obama goes to White Castle

April 8, 2009

Since President Barack Obama's inauguration in January, he's had to operate under a very dark cloud in Washington, D.C. A dark cloud of smoke, if you will.Senate Republicans have been using every dirty...

Virtual fantasy insanity

March 31, 2009

Dear thoughtful and loyal readers of The Oakland Post,It is with great consternation and unending regret that I inform you of a recent heinous use of judgment on my part, for I am about to travel down...

Cover the spring stink

March 25, 2009

Spring is finally here. The flowers are blooming, the bees are tryingto have sex with them and the birds are chirping. But unfortunately, arise in temperature brings on a new problem: a rise in body odor....

How browsing can screw up your life

March 25, 2009

Guest ColumnistToday, I was on fmylife.com during class when my professor asked me a question. Since I was in the middle of reading another awkward tale of woe on the hilarious website, I had no clue what...

The Loch Ness monster does exist

By Amanda Meade March 17, 2009

I would be walking door to door throughout my neighborhood telling people all about the power that is the Loch Ness Monster, although the first rule of the Loch Ness Monster is we don't talk about the Loch Ness Monster.

Regardless, I feel the need to spread the word about this mystical creature who resides in Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Actually, while Nessie lives in Scotland, she has many prophets that can be found all over the world, little mini-Nessies. It has been speculated that we may have a mini-Nessie living right here on Oakland University's campus in Bear Lake.

You may think I'm crazy, and I don't care. I could be arguing that Nessie comes from space or something insane like that. The Loch Ness Monster is a wonderful and real being, and isn't doing something like making up a religion just for a tax break. The following is a list of 10 commandments that any follower of the Loch Ness Monster should be aware of before entering the Loch Ness Monster faith.

1. First and foremost, the Loch Ness Monster doesn't want you to believe in her at all. Really, she wants you to believe in yourself. She doesn't think people should feel bad about anything they have done in life — look at it as a learning experience. If you continue to make the same mistake countless numbers of times after knowing the consequences, well that's your fault.

2. Nessie considers herself just like her followers. She doesn't want to be worshipped or praised for something she had no control over. She believes in destiny, and doesn't take credit for any of the things that happen to you, whether they be good or bad. To Nessie, there's nothing worse than someone confessing their sins, especially when she isn't one to forgive — she tends to hold grudges. The Loch Ness Monster doesn't want you to accept her as your savior, but to learn how to save yourselves instead.

3. Nessie doesn't care if you partake in pre-marital sex. She thinks that if you feel the need to wait until after marriage, there isn't anything wrong with that, but you do run the risk of your spouse being into something that you don't particularly care for. It just might make for an awkward honeymoon night when your new husband or wife brings out the whips, chains and ball gags.

4. The Loch Ness Monster doesn't think anyone should judge you for liking another member of the same sex. She doesn't think that a law or a specific text should tell anyone that they can't be joined in marriage just because they are of the same gender.

5. She thinks it is strange that a man would want to have many wives at once, but then thinks "Hey, who am I to judge?" Unless you're into really messed up stuff like murder and arson, the Loch Ness Monster really doesn't care what you do with your life.

6. Nessie doesn't have a special holiday to celebrate her existence, but that's OK, because to Loch Ness believers, every day is Nessie Day.

7. Believing in the Loch Ness Monster doesn't require any intense reading of any really long and old books. But, if you are an avid reader, there have been several publications by many Loch Ness followers that could be added to your summer reading list.

8. Many have tried to disprove that Nessie does exist. But she doesn't mind that at all. She would actually prefer that no one talk about her. The infamous "Surgeon's Photograph" was a real picture of Nessie taken in 1934. But, she had the photographer, Robert Kenneth Wilson, a London gynecologist, come out to say it was a hoax. He lied and said that the figure was really just a toy submarine with a head and neck constructed from plastic wood.

9. When we die, we go to Scotland and get to swim alongside Nessie. There isn't any other place Loch Ness followers go when they die, even if they've been "bad." People who do really bad things don't believe in Nessie anyway. It's a good thing she doesn't have many followers, since the average depth of Loch Ness is about 430 feet.

10. Whenever you're down and need something to make yourself feel better, just think W.W.N.D. — What Would Nessie Do? There is even a line of W.W.N.D. beer hats, which are available in every color for $12.99 online. There's always something to buy to flaunt your faith- — the website also sells magnets, bumper stickers and shot glasses with Nessie's face all over them.

So if you think you can handle these rules you can begin to follow and believe in the Loch Ness Monster. Praise Nessie!

Potty training: Use at your own risk, fellas

March 11, 2009

By JARED PURCELLSports EditorI am 21 years old and I'm still trying to figure out how to use a public men's restroom. It seems like I learn something new every time I walk into one to take care of business....

Not so back to the future

March 11, 2009

Editor in ChiefMy hair was teased perfectly and sprayed with enough Aquanet to keep the curls intact. I had just finished applying bright pink lipstick and enough black eyeliner and eye shadow for an entire...

College hoops crazed fantasy

By Web Master March 4, 2009

By Tim RathWeb EditorThis is the month: March. Beginning of the end. The world, by some strange tilt of the Earth's axis, starts to work itself from a state of snowed-in, controlled mania into a savage...

Alternative spring break

By Web Master February 18, 2009

By Tim RathWeb EditorIn recent times, new technologies and economic hardships have drastically changed the way newspapers do business.We here at The Oakland Post are not immune to these changes; in fact,...

Keep your blankets in beds, not on your back

By Web Master February 18, 2009

By Mike SandulaGuest ColumnistYou've probably seen them before.It was one of those late nights that you could have gone to bed, but you decided to fight sleep for no real reason other than to watch some...

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