People explode and then there’s Miley

By Brian Figurski

Are people really still talking about this Miley Cyrus fiasco? We need to get some perspective, America, on things that are actuallty pertinent.

Don’t worry, I’m not ruling myself out of this. The only news I regularly recieve is from the morning radio drive time commute, in which the WRIF’s Dave and Chuck the Freak specialize in severed genitalia news. I don’t much about real life, like terrorist activities.

It’s a problem with this generation in this country that we care more about a half-naked flailing, wailing disaster story than having current knowledge about the world outside of our tiny little boxes.

No one should care about this marionette tramp and her VMA garbage. First of all, the girl’s body has the resistance of a flaccid chicken with the skin flapping off its limbs. Beauty can come in all shapes and sizes, but this is no.

Does anyone know that our country that protects the right to show off our talented hack daughters is making moves in preparation for military actions in another Middle Eastern country, home to chemical warfare, body counts of 100 thousand and forcing millions of children to take refuge in neighboring countries?

If I am your news source, then I’ll vomit. Right now, all over this newspaper.

I just googled all that information myself. Do the same thing. Stop watching YouTube. The cats are so cute, but enough is enough.

It’s just so disastrous that people complain about all these nonsensical things when across the world, people explode on a daily basis. Which really is nothing compared to having to walk a half-mile to South Foundation Hall, or wait in the Barnes & Noble line for 20 minutes.

American people, we do not have problems.

You’re sad? You’re anxious? There’s a pill for everything to perk you up, knock you out and anything in between.

I have issues I beat myself up over, too. Lots of past regrets, breaking hearts and smoking crack, and confusing future choices to make.

But I look at it like this, and suggest you try something similar − I wake up each morning and never think that I might go out to get the paper and be sprayed with sarin or shot in the forehead.

Let’s please stop this uproar about floppy promiscuous dance asses and how bad our feet hurt and learn about things that matter. Maybe the rest of the world will like us more if this population becomes more cultured.

If not, at least it’ll get this Cyrus goon out of the social media limelight.

And if all that fails, at least it’ll get us to appreciate that most our miniscule problems don’t really matter.