Before I start, I just want to say I watch “The Bachelor” every Monday and listen to the recap podcasts every Tuesday. I joined Bachelor Nation when I was fourteen (a beautiful story, really) and genuinely wanted to go on the show one day — which is weird considering I slowly talk louder when talking to intimidating people. I’m pretty sure that’d get me sent home immediately, and I can’t straighten my own hair.
To win ‘The Bachelor,’ I’d definitely whip out a painfully dramatic fall and put my life at risk when I exited the limo — enough to make the bachelor himself concerned from a medical standpoint. I’m talking an aggressive landing on the concrete, followed by a roll or two and then best case scenario, a concussion.
The goal here is for him to rush over and help me up, boosting our connection right off the bat. Then, at the night one cocktail party, he’d have no choice but to ask me how I’m doing.
I’d also wear a really, really ugly dress, further putting my (social) life at risk but tell the bachelor it holds sentimental value. Not only does this help me stand out, but it gives me yet another conversation starter.
Sure, falling out of the limo in a disgusting dress could easily backfire, but it’s all about confidence.
After I get the first impression rose, which is a given considering my plan, I’m going to sleep for 15 days. This way, production can’t pose me as the villain, the girls can’t roast me and the bachelor becomes increasingly concerned as to why I literally vanished.
After my 15 day hibernation, I plan on getting a one-on-one date (obviously), where I continue wearing my hideous but “special” gown. On this date, I will bring a gigantic thesaurus with me so every time I try to use a stereotypical bachelor word or phrase — journey, vulnerability, opening up, etc. — I just flip through my thesaurus and use a similar but fresh word.
For example, instead of “I can see us spending a life together” I’ll say, “I can identify us allocating a duration collectively.” See how fancy that sounds? There is no way I don’t see this working.
After my picture-perfect, one-on-one date, I will get right back to napping because you know what the love experts say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I’d wake up just in time for the final rose: the one in which I’d clearly be receiving. Then, I’d throw on my “sentimental value” dress because I need to see that storyline through to the end so the bachelor doesn’t catch on.
When he proposes to me on a slab of wood that production threw up in the middle of a swamp — I mean beautiful pond — I will say yes and pick HIM up just to get myself trending on Twitter.
After the proposal we’d head over to Jimmy Kimmel, and you guessed it, I’m wearing that awful dress my great-grandmother knitted and brought over from Denmark just for me *wink wink.*
All jokes aside, I’d last maybe seven hours on “The Bachelor,” and that’s pushing it. In the meantime, I’m gearing up for the next episode because I’ll confess, I’m in love with Matt James.