You’ve already watched “The Office” in its entirety twice, but since you’ve got nothing else to do, now you’ve decided to watch reruns of it on Comedy Central. Soon enough, you’re going to rewatch the final season of “Game of Thrones.” That’s a new low for you.
Anyway, you got so bored that you made a “Social Distancing” playlist on Spotify. But now you’re stuck wondering what songs to add. Well, no worries — I present to you the top eight essential songs to add to your new “Social Distancing” playlist.
1. Gloria Gaynor – “I Will Survive”
Oh, you’ll survive … on DiGiorno’s pizza and White Claws. Those are the only essential foods you’ll need right now, according to America’s most trusted news source, Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“It’s important to differentiate fact from fiction,” Fauci said. “And the fact is black cherry is the best White Claw flavor ever! Miss me wit dat grapefruit bullsheet.”
If there’s one person we should all listen to, it’s the Fauci. The point is, this song got you through your most recent heartbreak, and it’s going to get you through the apocalypse, too.
2. MC Hammer – “U Can’t Touch This”
There’s one sure way people won’t “touch this,” and it’s you wearing those ridiculous MC Hammer parachute pants. That was a different time in history, but perhaps that’ll be to your advantage this time in history. Follow this link, buy those pants, put them on, go to your living room, blast the song and just start dancing away. Remember, if someone gets within 6 feet of you, just say, “I told you homeboy, U Can’t Touch This,” and bust out your best ’90s moves.
3. Billy Idol – “Dancing With Myself”
Speaking of dancing, I like to call this “social distancing dancing.” The name’s not creative, I know. Besides, your parents already think you’re a freak and they much prefer your younger sibling who got into Yale. Why not let your inner freak out and shake your gluteus maximus like Billy Idol shakes his old shirtless self on stage?
With lyrics like, “well there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove,” how can you not put that White Claw down and do some head banging until you get a headache? You really got nothing to lose. Friends? Yeah, right. Like you even have any.
4. Afroman – “Because I Got High”
What day is it again? How many days are we into the quarantine? You meant to do something today, but then you got high. What are we talking about again?
5. 21 Savage – “Bank Account”
You got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight dollars in your bank account, in your bank account, in your bank account. This song might get you thinking of how much money you’re not making right now, but at least you’ll be at peace knowing that because you’re stuck inside, you won’t be spending any of it.
Oh, wait, hold on. Fuck. You forgot to get more beer. Is $8 going to cover a 12-pack? A six-pack perhaps? Shit — gonna have to settle for a Natty Daddy tall boi again.
6. Evanescence – “Bring Me to Life”
“WAAKKEE MEEE UPP!” because you are so fucking hungover. You’re going to need this song on your playlist for those nights that you decide to drink a whole fifth of Fireball. Oh, what a mistake it was, but it sounded like such a good idea the night before. It’s going to happen, more times than you’d like to admit. This is why Mom and Dad really like Steven from across the street — he’s not an alcoholic like you are. It’s OK, we’re all in this together.
7. Hot Chocolate – “You Sexy Thing”
After an hour of being curled up in a ball and crying in the shower, you’ve stepped out into a room full of steam. You wipe down the mirror that’s fogged up with a towel and there, you see your reflection and you’re just like, “Dayumm … You sexy thing. I do believe in miracles.”
Is that Brad Pitt you’re looking at in the mirror? No, it’s just you and you’re just looking so hot right now. You’re literally the hottest person in the room … because you’re the only person in the bathroom. Nevertheless, there’s no one there to judge you, only you, and even so, you know damn well you’re just hypnotized by your own reflection. You even start to wonder if Hot Chocolate wrote this song about you back in 1975.
You do you, you sexy thing.
8. Any Nickelback song
You made this playlist — you called it “social distancing.” You can’t have social distancing with people wanting to be as far away from you as possible.
You really want people to leave you alone at this time? You get the biggest speakers that your parents hid a long time ago in the back corner of your attic, and you put them on your front yard and you blast any Nickleback song. Doesn’t matter which song it is, you just go ahead and blast that shit.
Just hearing, “Look at this photograph,” will have your neighbors voluntarily abandoning their homes forever. You’re a fucking psycho, dude, but congratulations on achieving social distancing master level. You did it.