Another damn new year is here, and trust me when I say this, 2015 is going to suck ass as much as 2014 did. Even so, that reality doesn’t deter people from reaching for the stars and concocting a brilliant list of New Year’s resolutions.

January is one of my favorite months because I love going on Facebook and reading all the idiotic “new year, new me!” posts. I love reading all of the wonderful, positive changes that my friends and colleagues are planning on making this year. Most importantly, I love watching them cry when all of their plans crash and burn because they suck and have no self-control or will power.

Even though I see no reason to do so, I have always participated in the sacred ritual of resolutions. My hope is that one time my ideas of becoming a decent human being will actually pan out. Unfortunately, I just end up having another sexless year of being an asshole.

Surprisingly, I have more hope for a better 2015 than I’ve had in recent years. Gas prices are down, my hair is getting back to normal and I only have one on-campus class that I have to drag myself out of bed for. Still that feeling that everything will come crumbling down soon has been present in the back of my mind.

To make myself feel better, I set some easy goals for myself: stop eating pizza, stop drinking and exercise. New Year’s day I was pumped and ready to turn my life around. I sipped on some apple juice, ate some carrots and walked up like three steps of stairs. I was unstoppable.

But as humans are pathetic in nature, by Jan. 2 I was binge-drinking Miller Lite and making sweet, sweet love to a piping fresh Hot n’ Ready.

This is why I don’t take resolutions seriously. Why make goals for ourselves that are most likely not going to be fulfilled? The laws of reality bind me. I would much rather lower every expectation of myself to the level that getting up and going to work, or not peeing in the shower, are wins for me.

Let’s hope that everyone is successful in their New Year’s resolutions, but I’ll be willing to bet that by next week all the gyms will go back to being empty. 

Contact Chief Copy Editor Josh Soltman at [email protected] with your New Year’s resolutions and they may be featured an issue. Or he will sit and laugh at them while drinking a beer, not sure yet.