Ah, the holidays — that time of year where your wallet shrinks, your waistline expands and your incessant contempt for all of humanity is forcibly hidden behind an unconvincing facade of Christmas cheer.
Nothing defines the holiday season quite like the ceaseless shuffle of Christmas music occupying radio airwaves from Nov. 1 up until the end of the year.
Yeah, I know, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. But everyone has at least one Christmas song so painfully dreadful to their ears that it makes an argument with your racist uncle over Christmas dinner seem like the highlight of the whole season.
Don’t misunderstand me — I love Christmas music, but let’s be honest. Some Christmas songs are so overdone, so annoying and so painfully ignorant to what the holiday is actually about that they simply must go.
And I’m not talking “Dominick the Donkey” or “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” — everyone knows those songs are bad. I’m talking the holiday standards that everyone listens to even though it makes them want to take a ride in a one-horse open sleigh right off a cliff.
Every year people focus on New Year’s resolutions and whatnot, but maybe this year, we should have Christmas resolutions instead. Here’s one for you all to ponder — deleting these crappy “classics” from the Christmas catalogue:
I could write an entire essay on this song alone. It’s shallow, suggestive and not at all representative of what good ol’ Kris Kringle is supposed to be. Need I remind you that Santa Claus is a character created for children? Why, then, are we still listening to a song about a woman hoping Santa Claus will be her sugar daddy in 2018?
Plus, nothing like encouraging one of the most beloved individuals among children to commit infidelity! What about poor Mrs. Claus? Have you no decency?
Special shoutout to Madonna for recording the most unbearable version of the song to date — infantilized, Betty Boop-esque vocals and all. Sexy time with Santa is not something I need to envision around the holidays — as a child or an adult. Thank u, next.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
Nothing screams Christmas cheer like date rape. While I genuinely don’t believe anyone records “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with that in mind, the 74-year-old song certainly does seem to allude to it. A Cleveland radio station just banned the song for its alleged date rape references.
But that’s not its only issue — for the love of God, by the time the female participant decides to stay, it’s probably not even cold outside anymore. Just go home already!
Yeah, I know, this one’s blasphemous on all accounts. Let’s get one thing straight — I do not hate “Silent Night” entirely. It might be one of the most over-recorded Christmas songs of all-time, but I didn’t mind until I came across Beyoncé’s version and realized I would prefer a silent night to the actual song. Queen Bey, you may be ***Flawless, but that cover was not.
It pains me to have to compliment Mariah Carey, but she kind of nailed the whole Christmas bop thing with “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Paul McCartney, however, did not.
For a song that’s so universally hated, why the hell does “Wonderful Christmastime” receive so much airplay around the holidays? Some people have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, but I just have this annoying tune on a loop, haunting my dreams for the entire month of December.
Now that I’ve gotten this off my chest, please excuse me while I go listen to my Michael Bublé Christmas CD on repeat — and yes, I will be skipping his version of “Santa Baby” — for the next three weeks.