SATIRE: Stephen Armica fights Black Friday tradition with his fists

Simon Albaugh, Social Media Editor

For most people, Black Friday is all about the deals. You walk in, get yourself a television for 80 percent off and come home thinking you’re a more fulfilled person.

That’s not the case for Stephen Armica.

Armica, the satirist for The Oakland Post, doesn’t spend Black Friday like most people. For him, the holiday’s about enjoying the people around him.

“I mean, there’s nothing that brings people together more than Black Friday,” Armica said. “And I thought the best way to enjoy that would be to get in fights with everybody.”

Armica, a self-described black belt in “whatever the hell I damn feel like” says that people actually enjoy fighting with him.

“Look at the facts, man,” he said. “You’ve got people that are pissed off about their jobs, pissed off about spending absurd amounts of money all the time and blame the world for all of it. So people need that sort of thing.”

Black Friday has a long tradition of violence. In America, there has been a recorded 14 deaths and 110 injuries since Black Friday’s inception, according to one watchdog site.

Nobody needs prodding to look for videos of stampeding customers breaking through glass doors. But the question remains: What does this say about the world we live in?

“Honestly, I think we’ve turned into a culture that praises the things we can buy more than the people that we share our time with,” Armica said. “And maybe what we really need is a punch, square in the jaw to remind us of that.”

Armica is a self-described “Thanksgiving Warrior.” He spends much of his free time throughout the year training with a punching bag in his parent’s basement, along with working toward the legal fees required.

This year, Armica said he got in fifteen fights on Black Friday alone. He planned on bringing a pair of brass knuckles, but reminded himself that would be cheating.

“I mean, people need a wake-up call, but maybe three pounds of metal to the eye socket at 30mph just wouldn’t do the trick,” Armica said. “But make sure to put on the record that I damn-near almost did it.”

Today, Armica is preparing for his court date. He lined up his suit and tie, organized the necessary documents and watched lawyer dramas to think about his best line of defense. But he also made sure to look down at a photograph he took after one of his fights.

He stared longingly at the photo, sighing and even tearing up a bit.

“You know,” he said, “This is exactly why I do it. To show people what they’re really doing.”

Then he turned the photo around.

It was a picture of a blood-stained “My Little Pony” aisle at a Toys R Us.

Maybe he’s better off in jail.