When God created this great, green earth, he had two things on his mind: Don’t f*** with the second amendment. Also celebrate the Fourth of July. Since I’m a member of this beautiful country we call the United States of America, I intend to white-knuckle this tradition until it chokes on its own fireworks.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the states to enjoy Christmas for patriots. I’m in Greece. Where Trump is a pudding-sack of demagoguery (whatever that means in the made-up Greek language) instead of the second-coming of Jesus J. Christ.
So how does a blue, white and red blooded American celebrate F.O.J. so far from his American roaming-grounds? Well, for one thing, finding fireworks in an eastern European country is pretty damn easy.
For another, they’re jealous of the pride we hold for ourselves. Our country has so much national pride, we fly the flag of the Civil War losers. Because we’re just so friggen’ American.
But if you can sneak a bottle of Jack Daniel’s into Disney World, which I did, then you can celebrate the birth of our nation in another country.
The first thing you have to remember is to wear your pride. Don’t settle for a small pin, hoping that no one will notice it under your euro-cut suit lapel. Wear your daisy dukes, Mullet and Budweiser hat loud, proud and in an anti-capitalism protesting crowd.
Next, think of how you’re representing America. If you go into the nearest Greek bistro, order seafood moussaka, put a cloth napkin on your lap and say please and thank you, are you really being honest?
America was created by pushy people. From the bank CEOs to your very own racist uncle, there isn’t anything in this country that was planned delicately. Especially when your uncle tries to reasonably explain why he thinks Obama was a bad president without sounding like Clayton Bigsby.
So represent this country how it ought to be done, and bring yourself to beer-induced southern drawl and start telling people you’re American, and therefore deserve special treatment. All while suddenly remembering that people don’t tip in Europe.
Lastly, talk to your family. They miss you from 5,000 miles away and they deserve a quick hello. It’s the least you could do before being put in a Greek prison.
This is, without a doubt, the only way to celebrate F.O.J. But despite that, a lot of people think you could spend a day representing your country through volunteer work in a refugee camp, legal aid office or soup kitchen. Lame.
These same people say that the spirit of one of the most powerful nations in the world is to offer aid to whoever needs it. These people, in their bottomless capacity to offer everything they have to benefit others, are stupid and ugly and probably don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July.
But to all my fellow patriots, enjoy being in The Land of The (white, protestant, heterosexual and politically conservative) Free.