Presidential primary concerns
By Alex Cherup
Mouthing Off Editor
After the past few weeks, I wish the election was over.
The reality is Super Tuesday is still on the horizon, and I am quite seriously ill from the coverage thus far.
With a plethora of primaries past, it feels as if there are five presidents ready to take the office in 2005. McCain has won. Hillary has won. Obama has won. Even Mike Huckabee has won.
How can a group of losers have so many winners? Enough with all this winning!
Even though it has become so confusing, at least I know that Mike Gravel has not won anything — yet.
Obsessive Coverage
Each state’s primary has been given stellar, breaking news coverage worthy of an actual presidential election.
It even overshadows wars, weather and Lindsay Lohan. This is the true sign that this primary thing must be important.
For instance, when the New Hampshire primary occurred on Jan. 8, it seemed as if the New Hampshirians, New Hampshirites or New Hampshirenese, or whatever they are called, were going to reach the answer to the meaning of life. The intensity was unbearable.
It was completely removed from reality. The CNN set appeared to have a higher budget than most action movies, with high tech maps, gadgets and devices.
I’m surprised there wasn’t a stunt double for Lou Dobbs.
Fox News even had a spinning gold statue of South Carolina, right in the no-spin zone. It has become too much for me to handle.
Each voting district of New Hampshire was analyzed, interviewed and searched. I learned more about some voting districts in New Hampshire than the one I currently live in. It almost feels like a second home.
Not only was the coverage ridiculous, it personified the voting districts.
New Hampshire: Guidance Conselor
Essentially, CNN and Fox News have made the discussion of New Hampshire or other primary state counties like a sports broadcast.
“Coos County is coming off a rough injury, and hopefully will be able to perform strong this election season.”
The most irritating element of these early primaries is the location.
When has anyone ever asked, cared or sought advice from New Hampshire?
Through all of the other news stories, events and important issues, no one has ever consulted New Hampshire or Iowa.
When you needed dating counsel, has the thought “let’s poll the aggregate population of New Hampshire for guidance” ever crossed your mind?
When trying to decide which college you would like to attend, did your mind ever ask “I wonder what the wonderful Democrats and Republicans of Coos County would choose.” Of course not, unless Coos Community College is on your top-ten list.
Nevertheless, when one of the most important decisions of a citizen comes around, the most valueable data in the world is what those in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada think.
I will admit, however, last week my ego felt great after Wolf Blitzer wanted to hear what someone in Madison Heights had to say. That’s a few miles from my house and the mainstream media actually cared what I thought. It is a powerful feeling — it almost felt like my vote was going to count.
Election 08: The Movie
The media has made the whole ordeal so epic; I cannot help but imagine that a movie will be made about this election. Here are possible candidates to play the candidates:
Democrats:
1) Hillary Clinton: This dynamic candidate must be played by six different actors, to embody the different personas. 1) The First Lady: Nicole Kidman. 2) The Senator: Meryl Streep. 3) The Cry Baby: Britney Spears. 4) The Wife: Jamie Lee Curtis. 5) The Bitch: Ann Coulter. 6) The Man: Bill Clinton.
2) Dennis Kucinich: Martin Short. Kucinich looks like a Short character, although you wouldn’t get a chance to see the resemblance at the Nevada debate because he wasn’t allowed to speak … those fascists!
3) John Edwards: Tom Cruise. However, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh classifies Edwards as a woman, so then the role would go to Ellen DeGeneres.
4) Bill Richardson: Keanu Reeves in a fat suit. I know Richardson has been out of the race for a while — but it’s so true.
5) Barack Obama: The Rock. Listen to Barack and the Rock back-to-back. It is impossible to tell the difference. And, of course, the best campaign line: “If you can smell what Barack is cookin’?”
6) Mike Gravel: An angry old man.
Republicans:
1) Mike Huckabee: Kevin Spacey. Huckabee looks like an unimpressive and unkempt Spacey. If Spacey declines, Huckabee’s biggest fan Chuck Norris can shave and play the part. I’m sure Norris has nothing better to do.
2) Mitt Romney: Bela Lugosi. I am convinced Romney is a vampire. I genuinely am shocked when I see him campaigning during the day.
3) Ron Paul: Woody Allen. The next time Paul goes on one of his rants against the IRS, imagine him with Woody Allen’s signature glasses and you will see the genius of this suggestion. Allen should really endore Paul. The similarities are amazing. Both are the same age, seventy-two, both have an anxious manner of speaking, and both have two firsts names. Uncanny.
4) Rudy Guiliani: Christopher Walken. This selection would keep the constant statements of “9/11” from becoming tedious.
5) Fred Thompson: Kelsey Grammer (the guy from Frasier). Not only does he resemble a more stirring and non-boring Thompson, he is also a Republican.
6) John McCain: Fred Thompson. After Thompson’s recent removal from the presendential race, he will be looking for work.
And Kelsey Grammar would already have beaten Fred Thompson for the role of Fred Thompson.
The movie would be a hit, and probably shown on CNN and Fox over and over and over again during the interludes between Paris Hilton coverage. One hitch … I’m sure the casting would have to be approved by Iowa and New Hampshire first.
Enough is Enough
Ultimately, I am already burnt out from the election coverage.
It seems like there is another debate every hour, where each person says the same comments over and over and over again.
It’s like watching reruns of NASCAR races.
Some candidates are not even allowed to appear in the debate, which makes it a dog-and-pony show that is controlled by the powers-that-be.
How can a debate be called a debate if some are chosen to lose before the debate has begun?
I’d have a debate with you about it, however I’ve already decided you cannot be in the debate and so, you loose.
For all intents and purposes, I am done with the 2008 election.
In fact, I have already begun campaigning for 2012.
That way, my man Kucinich might victoriously get two percent of the vote.
So, all I have left to sa
y is remember to vote in 2012!